


Right, Left, Wrong

by KTKeen96



Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Death, Crossdressing, Dom!Heinz, I promise it won't get too kinky though, Light BDSM, M/M, Mentions of Mental Illness, Mentions of suicide and talk of suicide, Mild Language, Sub!Perry, human!perry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-23
Updated: 2018-04-23
Packaged: 2019-04-06 17:41:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 21,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14062038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KTKeen96/pseuds/KTKeen96
Summary: Perry is a puzzle, and Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz can't seem to figure him out. But what happens when the evil scientist experiences his nemesis in a way he never thought possible?





	1. Fighting Fire With Fire

**Author's Note:**

> Note: This story takes place when Vanessa is about seven years old. I imagine Doofenshmirtz and Perry are in their late twenties.

Heinz Doofenshmirtz was talented and dangerous- and he knew it.

Maybe he was digging himself a grave, but he wasn’t going six feet under without bringing the entirety of Danville crumbling down with him. He knew just how to manipulate the city like a chess board. There wasn’t a man alive who could tell him how to play the game.

Until, of course, Agent P.

Or Perry, as the man kept viciously reminding Heinz. Despite being an agent of impressive and professional stature, the man refused to let Heinz call him by his alias. It was somewhat agitating, but Dr. Doofenshmirtz considered Agent P’s quirk just one of the many keys to getting inside his nemesis’s head.

When they’d first met, Heinz was nothing more than a rookie, beginning to find friction in his exciting new career. He’d always been something of a self-taught inventor, and had no idea just what he was capable of until using his talents for massive plans of destruction.

It’d been a normal, peaceful, autumn afternoon. He’d just finished collecting parts at the local hardware store for his latest scheme, when a man of short stature deliberately blocked his path to his parked truck. He was something of an eyesore- teal hair, probably dyed, a black button-up underneath a grey sweater with black slacks to match, small, silver, hoop earrings in both ears, and a brown fedora.

Shocked and quite frankly pissed off, Heinz had crossed his arms and snapped at the man. But Agent P. never even blinked. He simply held out his hand, as if to shake. Instead, he handed Dr. Doofenshmirtz a small business card.

It wasn’t fancy- a white card with black lettering: _Agent P. Aka Perry. O.W.C.A._ _Special Forces._

Upon reading, the evil scientist had raised an eyebrow. “So.. You’re my new nemesis?”

The agent had removed his tinted sunglasses and for the first time, Heinz caught a glimpse of his brown eyes, sharp and calculating. “Something like that.” The man had smirked, with the tip of his fedora. “I wanted to properly introduce myself.”

“Agent P..”

“Perry.”

“Excuse me?”

“O.W.C.A. always tries to be so precise.” Agent P., Perry, had remarked, shrugging his shoulders. “There’s really no need for such formalities between us, is there?”

The request was so strange, Heinz had needed a minute to comprehend. He frowned, taking another peek at the business card. “My name is still Dr. Doofenshmirtz.”

“As you wish, Doc.” The agent had replied, letting a subtle, smug grin play at his lips, which annoyed Heinz tremendously. “See you around.”

And with that, the man had disappeared in a flight of speed impressive even to the brainy scientist. After the initial shock of the agent’s brief and rather outlandish introduction, Heinz Doofenshmirtz caressed the business card with new fever, determined he’d crack the agent wide open and break him beyond repair.

That was two years ago, now. And despite Heinz’s best efforts, the agent remained as irritatingly aloof and sarcastic as ever.

Their battles had become something of a habit. Heinz would create an evil scheme, usually based on petty bouts of revenge that popped up in his mind, and would build a machine in order to carry out that revenge. Then Agent P. would burst in, always in the way that would cost the evil scientist the most amount of money in repair damages, get trapped, escape, and destroy his machine before the doctor ever got a chance to enact his revenge.

At first, the small defeats had been nothing. Heinz Doofenshmirtz spent every scheme carefully studying the agent, and all his ridiculous habits. But even after two years, the scientist still wasn’t sure he knew exactly what he was getting into.

Agent P. was clever. He knew more tricks than the average magician. He was reserved, and very careful with his words. But his words were always indifferent and sarcastic, and usually aimed at Heinz’s very low tolerance for, well, everything. His off-hand remarks seemed to mean nothing, but Heinz knew they were layered.

But on the other hand, the agent always dressed for the flair. Heinz wasn’t sure he’d seen the man in anything less formal that a button-up. How he managed to fight in those clothes was beyond the doctor.

He was a bizarre puzzle, and one that Heinz was completely obsessed with solving, even after two years.

If only the agent came with an instruction manual.

At the moment, Heinz was trying to figure out the logic behind his latest bright idea. Late night schemes were always the hardest to unravel. Why he bothered trying to come up with an invention at four in the morning was beyond him, as it left him spending the next day running on nothing but caffeine. But Heinz was certain it’d be his greatest victory yet.

By the time he was finished building, the agent had burst through his front door, leaving a mess of splintered wood in his wake. Heinz grumbled, muttering something about getting a home defense system.

Agent P. grinned. Heinz knew the man was toying with him.

Now enraged, the doctor slammed his fist against one of his remotes, unleashing a pair of robotic arms that grabbed the man’s arms and pulled them to the side, rendering him unable to move them.

“Welcome, Agent P. I hope you weren’t planning on going anywhere. These chains are made from a chemically modified steel. There’s no way to break them.”

The man rolled his eyes. “Whatever you say, Doc.”

Heinz huffed. “I swear, do you ever just shut up? You are worse than my younger brother!”

No comment. Heinz wanted to slap that haughty look off the agent’s face.

But no matter. The doctor was confident, this time.

“I suppose you’re wondering what this gigantic, deathly looking machine is for, huh? I call it the Least-Likely-Inator. That’s right. Tremble in fear, Agent P., as I shoot my worst enemies, and make them do the least likely thing they’ll ever do!”

Perry was giving him a deadpan look. Heinz squinted his eyes at the man in silent irritation. “What? Look, I know it sounds foolish, but I promise, it’s _evil_. Watch as I destroy Danville by making good civilians into criminals, turning my _brother_ into the most hated man in town, and creating all your precious _coworkers_ into my new evil army!”

The agent’s eyes widened in new-founded fear.

_Ha, that would teach him to doubt._

While Agent P. tried aimlessly to squeeze out of his metal trap, Heinz hopped onto his rocket-powered platform, with the Least-Likely-Inator in tow, and blasted off into the heart of Danville, laughing manically as he faded into the distance.

He could almost count the timing down to the seconds. It wasn’t long before Agent P., in a powered jetpack, came charging after him. But the evil scientist was already hovering over city hall, where his detested brother was making another one of his cherished speeches.

With the Least-Likely-Inator powered and ready, Heinz aimed and fired a blast directly at his brother. A second later, Agent P. was pouncing on him, but the man was a fraction too late. Heinz managed to kick the teal-haired man off of him, and gaze down at his delicious act of revenge. After being hit, Rodger Doofenshmirtz had thrown down the microphone in a frenzy of uncontrollable rage and was now storming into the crowd. The civilians of Danville ran out of his way, screaming.

It was absolutely gratifying.

“You’re too late.” Heinz cackled, despite being knocked down and punched in the face by his nemesis. “My brother is the most despised man in Danville!”

The agent growled low in his throat, sending Heinz’s blood pumping in anticipation. Perry grabbed Heinz by the collar, threw him against his machine, and punched him again in the face.

_Ouch_. That was going to sting for awhile.

Heinz struggled back, flailing against the man’s iron grip, trying to land a hit against the agent’s gut. But Perry had already tossed him out of the way, and was now scuffling for control of the hovering platform.

“Stop it, Agent P.! You’re going to-“

Something backfired within the platform’s controls. The transporter began spinning, and both men had to fight to balance themselves. Heinz felt himself getting a bit sick from the dizziness, but he fought down the pain and jumped on his nemesis.

Agent P. kicked him backwards, sending him over the edge.

For a quick moment, his life flashed before his eyes. His stomach dropped all the way to his feet as he fell head-first towards Danville. A second later, he glanced upwards to see his machine being fired, probably returning his brother back to normal, then destroyed in a small explosion. And then only another second later, Agent P. was jumping off the machine, and grabbing his shoulders. The agent released his parachute, and the two slowly floated down to a flat rooftop.

Heinz rolled onto the hard surface with a relieved sigh. His nemesis quickly packed up his parachute. It looked like his jetpack had been destroyed in the fight.

“You know, I could arrest you for what you just did.” Agent P. snapped.

Heinz sat up, clutching his sore head, and rolled his eyes. “We both know you won’t. Because unfortunately, you’re just as addicted to this little game as I am.”

His nemesis grinned coyly. “Then I guess I’ll be defeating you tomorrow.”

Heinz gaped as Perry jumped off the side of the building and disappeared below. Show off.

“I’m billing you for the damage to my door!” He cried out, as loud as he could. “Curse you, Agent P.!”

~o~o~o~o~o~o~

Heinz hated nightclubs.

They were loud, obnoxious, and full of people that were even more loud and more obnoxious. However, he’d spent way too many Friday nights locked up in his apartment, eating a whole tub of ice cream, to turn down an invitation from one of his peers.

Apparently, it was brand new. And all the young, hip, and wild evil scientists hung out there.

Heinz thought he was nowhere near whatever bar could label him as ‘hip’, but after some intense deliberation, he decided to go anyway. He stood in front of the mirror, looking discontentedly at his disastrous appearance. He’d decided just to adorn his normal black shirt and grey jeans, but with a black leather jacket to go over it, instead of his usual lab coat. He hadn’t worn the jacket in years. It was a tad too large, draping over him like an oversized garbage bag. But there wasn’t anything else he could possibly consider wearing.

With a sigh, the scientist grabbed his car keys and called for Vanessa.

Seven-year old Vanessa finally came sauntering down the hallway, carrying her large, black backpack.

“Ready to go to mom’s, sweetheart?”

“Yeah, Dad.” She nodded. “Whoa. What are you wearing?”

“Do you like it?”

His daughter raised an eyebrow, but shrugged, and pulled out her phone. Heinz frowned, unsure how to respond, so he simply helped her carry her backpack and loaded up the truck. Lately, his daughter was acting more and more distant, and had started loosing interest in all the dolls and unicorns she’d loved so much. It was a tad disconcerting.

As soon as Heinz had dropped his daughter off at Charlene’s, he pulled around to head back downtown. Traffic was terrible, as he’d figured, but he made it down to the nightclub at a decent time. He approached the security guards, who felt him over with a metal detector before letting him in. Despite it being almost ten o’clock, the club was only about half full. He entered, feeling very insecure all of a sudden.

The DJ was already playing a mix of pop music. Heinz’s heart pounded with the vibrating bass line.

A couple of his peers, who were already seated at the bar with a couple beers, called him over. Heinz sauntered past a few people who were already a bit intoxicated, and joined the other evil scientists.

“Hey, Doof.” Dr. Orion, one of his former college roommates, cried, patting him on the back as he took a seat next to them. “Glad you could make it.”

Heinz grumbled. The bartender walked over and looked at him expectantly. The scientist nodded his head in dismissal.

Dr. Orion snorted. “We will be having none of that. Get this man a Bud Light.”

“Hey, I only agreed to-“

The man to his right, Timothy Smith, who went by the alias of Silver Katana, chuckled. “Come on, loosen up a bit. This is supposed to be fun, remember?” As the bartender set the beer down, Timothy slid it over. “Drink up!”

Reluctantly, Heinz took a sip of the beer. Despite his reservations, the familiar taste reminded him of his ridiculous college days, and he ended up taking another chug. 

“That’s the spirit!” Dr. Orion smiled, patting him again. “Now, I think it’s time we embark on our next agenda.”

Heinz raised an eyebrow. “And that is?..”

“Getting you laid, of course.”

Dr. Doofenshmirtz blanched. That was definitely _not_ what he signed up for. “I appreciate the thought,” he spat, “but I am quite content finding a partner on my own.”

“Please.” Timothy rolled his eyes. “You’re a single man again. It’s time to stop living in the past and move on with your life! I mean, turn around. See that cute blonde standing by herself in the corner?”

Heinz glanced over. There she was, wearing a short, red dress and black heels, a cocktail in hand, watching a group of dancers moving past her. They made eye contact for a moment. She smiled, before blushing and looking away.

Dr. Orion gave him a little push. “She definitely has a thing for you. You should go say hello.”

Heinz frowned. “Seriously, if I want another woman in my life, I will go out and find one. This is unnecessary.”

“We aren’t suggesting you make any lifetime commitments, D.” Timothy repelled. “Just.. Go introduce yourself and see how it goes. Who knows, you might just get lucky.”

Mumbling, Heinz removed himself from the bar and began making his way across the room full of dancers to where the girl in the red dress was standing. She wasn’t looking in his direction. If anything, she was fully entranced by the movement in the room, as she watched the people, talented or not, dancing their way around the floor, slowly sipping her drink as she did so.

Heinz began reciting random lines with which to start the conversation as he made his way forwards. Once he’d approached her, he cleared his throat. She turned to look at him, and for a moment, Heinz felt the world begin to start spinning.

“Hey, uh, some crowd, huh?”

_And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what he goes with. Wow._

The blonde nodded slowly. She took another sip of her cocktail. “Yes, yes it is.”

“Anyway, my name is Heinz Doofenshmirtz. What’s yours?”

The girl smiled. “Sylvia. Sylvia Turner.”

An awkward pause. Heinz wanted to sink into the floor and disappear. Why had he let his friends talk him into coming tonight?

“Anyway, so-“

But the blonde was already turned another direction, eyeing something else in the crowd. “And what is your friend’s name?” She interrupted.

Heinz glanced up to where her eyes were pointed. “Uh.. the brunette or the red-head?”

“The brunette.”

“Timothy.”

“Thank you.” She smiled, taking another sip of her cocktail. “Excuse me.”

Heinz sighed dejectedly as she walked off, her heels clicking against the hard floor as she moved. He knew this had been a bad idea. He watched as she leaned against the bar where Timothy and Dr. Orion were seated, and began striking up a conversation. Timothy glanced back at him, eyebrows raised, as if asking a question.

Heinz waved his hand, and sighed as Timothy took her hand and led her to the dance floor.

Once he was sure the two were out of sight, Heinz made his way back to the bar and picked up his beer, drinking the rest of the glass in one final gulp. Dr. Orion sighed and ordered him another one, which Heinz didn’t take too long to down.

“I’m sorry, man.” The doctor shrugged. “You win some and lose some. But there are lots of pretty girls around here-“

Heinz growled. “Like I said, the thought was _appreciated,_ but I-“

Suddenly, the flashing lights changed colors. Fog covered the stage as the music began to take a louder, more upbeat presence. Everyone, including Heinz, glanced at the stage to see what was going on.

The DJ pulled up a microphone. “Ladies and gentlemen, Perry Flynn!”

A figure in all black leather clothing appeared on the stage. He was holding the main microphone, and accompanied by a full band- guitarist, drummer, and bassist. Despite the unusual getup, and his jet-black lipstick, Heinz would have recognized that teal hair and those sharp brown eyes anywhere.

_Agent P?!_

Immediately, the agent jumped into a catchy, upbeat song, prancing about the stage with his band members. He was entrancing. Heinz found he couldn’t look away, as he watched his usually reserved, stoic, and irritating nemesis own the stage with a voice that carried across the whole room.

Dr. Orion elbowed him. “Check out the guy, huh? I guess you see them all at the club, don’t you?”

Heinz murmured something in return, and picked up another beer. He didn’t even notice his companion get up and approach a young girl across the room. All he could do was sit there and watch Agent P. wrap the whole audience into his intoxicating music.

_Since when could the man dance like that?_

Heinz watched every one of the agent’s movements. He sauntered across the stage as smoothly as he did when they were fighting, jumping and landing as if gravity didn’t even exist. The set ended way too soon. Heinz was still staring at the stage, long after the man had exited.

By this time, he was definitely feeling more than a bit intoxicated. Maybe he should have carpooled like his friends had offered.

And where were the two, anyway? Heinz glanced around, trying to locate them, but they were long lost in the crowd. Sighing, he stood and stretched. What time was it?

He pulled out his phone and took a peek. It was definitely way past his bedtime. And he still had an entire evil scheme to come up with the next day..

Suddenly, there was movement in front of him. Heinz put down his phone, startled. Agent P. had sat down right next to him, and ordered some kind of mixed drink. He smiled lazily at Heinz, who gaped at him, clearly unsure what to do or say.

“I didn’t take you for the nightclubbing kind, Doc. Enjoy the show?”

Heinz stuttered, unsure how to respond. “I, ah, yeah. I had no idea you.. er, well, you-“

Perry shrugged, interrupting him. “Yeah, it’s a small hobby of mine.”

Heinz could now see the man up close, and he wasn’t sure how to feel about it. Not only was Agent P. adorning lips colored in jet black, but he was also wearing a full face of makeup. But strangely, it didn’t make him look like a clown like Heinz thought it did on most other men. It was.. flattering. And _that_ was what was making him so uncomfortable.

Despite his best efforts to hide this fact, Heinz could tell the agent was reading him like an open book. The evil scientist wanted to smack that smug grin right off his face.

However, those thoughts evaporated when Dr. Orion returned, a young brunette attached to his arm. The man was clearly just as intoxicated as he was. “Hey, I’m taking an Uber home. Want a ride?”

Heinz opened his mouth to speak, when Dr. Orion noticed the young singer sitting next to him. The scientist grinned. “Never mind. I’ll see you at the next L.O.V.E. M.U.F.F.I.N. meeting!” He cried as the girl dragged him away.

Agent P. smirked. “Your friends?”

“No..” Heinz replied irritatingly. “They’re acquaintances, and my least favorite, at that.”

Perry took a small sip of his drink. “I see.”

Silence. Another singer had already taken the stage and was leading the audience into another bout of frenzy. Agent P. suddenly had this intense grin on his face, making Heinz a bit suspicious. Before he knew it, the man was holding out his hand. “Wanna dance?”

The evil scientist blanched. This was his _nemesis._

But the teal-haired man was already dragging him onto the dance floor. Heinz protested, desperately trying to pull away. To his surprise, the man didn’t force him, simply stood there, arm still outstretched, an eyebrow raised, as if asking the question.

For a moment, Heinz considered storming out of the nightclub. But the alcohol in his system, plus the dazzling and quite frankly distracting appearance of his nemesis was too much to refuse. The scientist took his nemesis’s hand, and let him lead him into the dance.

It was bizarre, really. Heinz dizzily watched as people swayed and swirled around him. Agent P. stood next to him, dancing like it was the easiest thing to do in the world. Heinz blushed, unsure what he was doing with his body. His intoxication wasn’t doing him any favors, either.

After a few minutes of confusion and discomfort, Perry grabbed his hands and began pulling him into a dance. Now facing his nemesis, Heinz found himself growlingly unable to stop looking away. Perry grinned down at him, biting at his black lips, and casually leading Heinz through the loud beats of the music.

It wasn’t long before Heinz noticed just how close they were, now. He could practically feel Perry’s breath on his face. Funnily, he had never noticed just how short Perry was for a grown man. The only reason they met eye to eye was because of the scientist’s slouch. He stared into the agent’s devious brown eyes, incapable of looking away. He didn’t notice how much closer and closer they were getting as they danced, until his hips were practically touching the agent’s. He felt Perry’s breath hitch. It was just enough.

Throwing away all reservations, Heinz pulled the agent into a deep and sloppy kiss. He felt Perry fist his hair in his hands, returning the passion, bringing them even closer. They were still swaying, but all emotions were now being poured into their locked lips.

Perry pulled away first for a quick breath of air. But he continued almost immediately after, grabbing at Heinz’s tongue and lips, greedily sucking them.

“Can we go somewhere else?” Heinz pleaded.

Perry’s eyes were lidded and dark, but a subtle smirk was playing at his lips. That stupid, annoying smirk. “If security catches us, we’re fucked.”

“Fuck.. security.”

Perry chuckled, deep in his throat. “Are you sure?”

Was he sure? At that moment, Heinz wanted to snap at the man for talking too much. Sensing his answer, Perry smiled and cautiously led Heinz off the dance floor. When they were sure no one was looking, they ducked backstage, and Perry led him deep into the back hallway, past all the backstage rooms, until they were tucked back into the corner.

Agent P. opened the door. It was a small employee bathroom, with three small stalls.

“No one will bother us here.” Perry whispered. “Since the show is still going on..” 

But Heinz had already returned to grabbing Perry by his hair and pulling him in for another kiss. But the agent, naturally, wouldn’t be controlled so easily. He lifted Heinz up by the waist and slammed him against the wall of the bathroom stall, holding him up by his legs as the agent took advantage of the man’s shock to dominate the kiss.

Grunting with building tension, Heinz bucked his already very strained crotch again the man’s chest, trying to distract him. It did nothing but make their already unbridled passion even stronger. The agent let him slide to the floor and began removing his leather jacket and black t-shirt, using long, easy strokes to pull them off in one movement.

Heinz shivered as his bare chest hit the cold air. But Agent P. immediately began feeling his chest, and softly played with his nipples.

The scientist arched into the touch. He then grabbed Perry’s shoulders and began removing the agent’s leather shirt. It didn’t come off as easily, but somehow, the man managed to throw it to the ground. He felt up Perry’s chest, marveling at the way his firm muscles felt underneath Heinz’s hands. He shivered as Perry scraped his teeth along the sensitive skin of the scientist’s neck.

Heinz was prepared to flip their position, but Perry was quicker, suddenly landing his hands on Heinz’s crotch, outside of his jeans. The temptation of the touch was too much, and the scientist let out a small groan. This must have boosted the agent’s confidence, as a pair of hands undid his zipper and freed his cock, massaging it at the tip.

Heinz shamelessly pumped into the warm touch, moaning louder, now.

As he moved, Heinz fumbled with Perry’s black pants, pushing them down so the man’s underwear was exposed. Perry keened softly, letting his nemesis expose him completely, and press their erections together, groaning at the amazing friction.

Heinz grabbed Perry’s hair again for a sloppy kiss, but this time, the agent compiled willingly, letting Heinz maneuver his head to get as close as they possibly could.

When all of a sudden, the door slammed open.

Both men stopped, frozen completely still, as they heard someone else enter the bathroom and shut themselves in the stall next to them. Heinz blearily looked at Perry, who lifted his finger against his lips.

_Why, of all times did someone have to walk in here.._

Heinz would have been embarrassed about the state he was in, if his dying sexual need wasn’t distracting his every thought. They waited for a few seconds as they heard the other person fumble around, obviously undoing his pants.

Heinz felt Perry’s hand suddenly close over his mouth, and he choked as the man started moving again, slowly.

The tension was building so high that Heinz thought he might scream. All the while, Perry was grinning, biting at his gorgeous black painted lips, silently daring the evil scientist to make a sound.

It was agonizing. And Heinz hated the man for teasing him so.

As soon as the unwanted guest exited the bathroom, Heinz growled and, now filled with a new burst of energy, grabbed Perry’s arms and flung them above his head, pinning them to the wall. The agent didn’t seem shocked. In fact, he didn’t even try to fight back as Heinz held him there while he wrapped his hands around both their cocks and began pumping.

They both moaned into each other’s skin, sweating and building. Heinz could feel how close Perry really was as they soon lost rhythm, and began trying to get as much friction as possible. For a moment, Heinz looked up and lost himself in Perry’s lidded, desperate eyes, that were almost silently begging him for more.

“I want you.. to say my name..”

Heinz gasped breathlessly, as he deliberately controlled the speed he was pumping.

“Dr. Doofenshmirtz.. is kind of long to say..” Perry snickered in-between moans.

The little brat. Heinz squeezed his hands harder around Perry’s restrained wrists and grabbed the man’s lips in his teeth, biting them. This only made the agent moan even louder.

“ _Beg_ me for it.”

Perry glanced up at his nemesis, his hair tousled and muscles straining underneath the hands that held him in place. Groaning, he desperately bucked his hips, trying to make Heinz go faster. But finally, in a rush of passion, he muttered, “Please, please, please..”

It was enough to send Heinz over the edge. He pumped their cocks until he felt his stomach begin to burst. Ribbons of white flooded over their chests as Heinz thrillingly listened to Perry call out his name.

For a moment, it was just the two of them, leaning against the wall, breathing heavily as the pleasure washed over them. As the haze began to clear, Heinz realized he was still holding onto Perry’s wrists, and cautiously let go.

He ducked, waiting for the inevitable punch that was bound to happen. After all, he’d just completely dominated that whole encounter..

But Perry did nothing but grin at the man, and lazily wipe himself clean with some paper towels, and slowly put his clothes back on. Heinz blinked, watching the man for a moment, before realizing he should probably do the same.

“Well, I’m about to pack up. Want a ride home?”

The evil scientist blinked again. He growled, “I’m.. fine..”

“No, you’re clearly too drunk to drive. Come on.”

“But-“

However, Agent P. had already grabbed his arm and was pulling him out of the bathroom and towards the back of the stage. He stood uncomfortably as Perry waved goodbye to his fellow band members and grabbed a backpack full of random wires and microphones.

The weight of what they’d just done still didn’t register with Heinz as Perry pushed him into his car and started up the engine. The nightclub vanished into the background as they drove away.

Heinz dizzily leaned against the window pane and let his eyes droop shut. He was exhausted, both emotionally and physically. The alcohol was beginning to make him feel a bit sick. So, he cast aside all thoughts, and let his body shut down.

The man didn’t even remember the drive home.


	2. And The Plan Beings

When Heinz woke the next morning, his head was throbbing. He dismally pulled the covers of his blanket over his head as small streams of sunlight peeked through the window, intent on torturing his already blaring headache.

Wait.. _his_ blankets? 

Heinz startled awake to glance about the room, and instantly regretted doing so as the dreaded feeling of nausea washed over him. He ran into the bathroom and immediately heaved into the toilet. 

After two minutes of dumping the entirety of his stomach into the bathroom, he shakily flushed and pulled himself to his feet. Despite the sweatiness and awful headache, he began to feel a bit better. Heinz turned on the sink, washed his face, and swallowed a couple pain relievers with a glass of water. 

Yes, he was home. But as vague memories of the previous night flashed across his mind, the scientist realized he had no idea how he’d gotten here. 

Oh, yes he did. Agent P.

Or Perry, as the name was unfortunately becoming more and more natural to the evil scientist. True, he’d spent the last two years trying desperately to understand every aspect of his nemesis’s personality and discover every last one of his most embarrassing weaknesses, but he hadn’t anticipated that knowing the size of his dick would be one of them. 

Groaning, Heinz tried to push all memories of the previous night to the back of his mind as he fumbled down the hallway. His stomach was still too sensitive for breakfast, so the man decided to try a hot glass of tea and a couple crackers to soothe his intense hunger. 

To his shock, a basket full of fresh bananas and some canned soup was perched in the middle of his kitchen counter. Grumbling, the man reached inside and pulled out a small, white paper with short, scrawled handwriting. 

_You’ll need these: Agent P._

The evil scientist clutched his pounding head and picked up one of the bananas. It tasted delicious, and didn’t seem to hurt his stomach. Much.

Now even more bizarrely confronted with thoughts of his nemesis, Heinz leaned against the counter and irritably analyzed what he could remember from the night before, which was unfortunately, quite a lot. 

Did he regret it? Yes. Would he have done it again? Probably. Despite all reservations for what the night would entail for his future relationship with the teal-haired man, the event had been one of the most fun and glorious one-night-stands he’d ever had. The memory of Perry, undressed and completely at his mercy, begging him for more and calling out his name as he came, made the evil scientist shudder with undeniable pleasure. 

But then again, Heinz couldn’t push aside the nagging notion that maybe the whole plot had been set up and deliberated by Perry himself; that their one-night-stand was some elaborate ploy to get Heinz to disclose his most valuable and vulnerable secrets. Heinz certainly wouldn’t put something of that nature past the agent, despite his firm claim to be a hero. 

It was a far stretch, but Heinz couldn’t get the idea out of his mind. Still confused and in agonizing pain, Heinz fixed himself the chicken noodle soup, and disappeared into the living room to binge watch TV. 

~o~o~o~o~o~o~

A couple days later, after not hearing from the agent since that night, Heinz decided he was finally feeling up to plotting a new evil scheme. He licked his lips, inspired by the blazing new trend of tiny figurines. What he needed was a shrink ray of some sort- that way, he could shrink any of the world’s famous architectures for his train set. 

Surely that was evil, wasn’t it?

The scientist spent most of the day working on his device. By that afternoon, as if on cue, Agent P. burst through his window pane and landed in the living room, ready for action, a grappling hook in hand. 

“Ah, Agent P. How unexpected.. And by that I mean, of course, completely expected!”

Like a burst of lightning, Heinz released a spool of rope attached to two heavy bags of cement. When they collided with the unsuspecting agent, they wrapped themselves around his arms and torso, rending him immobile. The agent crashed to the floor and growled at his nemesis. 

Heinz had trapped the teal-haired man on multiple occasions, but this time, he was seeing the scene in a whole new light. A pooling of emotions flashed through him as he watched the agent struggle to sit up within the casing of rope that held him, but Heinz swallowed and pushed those thoughts to the back of his mind. 

It was also strange seeing the agent in his formal attire after viewing the man in a full face of makeup and patched leather jeans. But Heinz _also_ tried to forget about this little detail, as well. 

“Behold, my newest _evil_ creation, the Shrink-Inator-Ray!” The man paused for dramatic effect before lowering his hands and looking Agent P. in the eyes. “See, I’ve always wanted an authentic set of figurines for my train set, and just in general around the house. But nothing is ever detailed enough. See? Check out this actually ridiculously expensive one I bought off the internet..”

Heinz held out the tiny recreation of the Eiffel tower. The agent shrugged his shoulders, clearly not buying it. But the evil scientist was used to these little responses, and brushed the agent off with an eye roll of his own.

“Want to come with me? We could go around Europe, then maybe down to Asia.. Just think, what if I could shrink the actual entire Wall of China for my train set. Wouldn’t that be amazing, Agent-“

The evil scientist never got to finish his sentence. Perry had already broken free of the ropes, probably with some pocketknife he carried in that ridiculously complicated fedora, and pounced on Heinz, sending them both crashing to the floor. 

Heinz squeaked as the man literally sat on top of him and tried to punch him in the face, which the scientist fortunately was able to dodge by moving his head. Grunting in shock, he arched his back and pushed the man off of him, kicking him in the shins. The agent growled, and stretched out to grab his foot, but Heinz had already forced himself up and was running towards his Inator. 

Just as Heinz was about to reach for the power button, Agent P. had hopped right behind him, and slammed him against the device, grabbing at his wrists. Heinz sucked in his breath; he was _positive_ the man had just smirked at him, as if to remind him of a few days prior. But the image was over as quickly as it began. Perry had thrown him to the floor again and was now trying to figure out how to dismantle the machine. 

Heinz chuckled and pressed a button on his remote. The machine vibrated with a ruptured electric field, which sent Perry to the ground from the shock. 

“Ha! I planned ahead this time..”

The agent struggled to regain his bearings, but Heinz was quicker, jumping on his machine and powering it up. He let a beam shoot out over his balcony, just to make sure it actually worked. Sure enough, as he peered over the edge, he noticed an entire billboard was missing. People below were glancing around, wondering what on earth had just happened. 

Heinz shouted in victory. It worked!

He moved to grab his machine and send it to the skies to begin his quest, but right as he was about to blast off, it began to vibrate, and a sizzling, burning noise overwhelmed his ears. He screamed from the pain, and collapsed against the device. 

Blearily looking up, Heinz noticed Agent P. had somehow managed to grab his remote and had activated the electric force field. The scientist groaned in pain as he helplessly watched Perry pull open the control panel and successfully dismantle the controls. 

Angry, he jumped up to try and pounce on his nemesis one final time, but the agent was faster, colliding with a bigger force and landing on top of him, on the floor. 

This time, the agent definitely grinned. Was the man toying with him?

But it was much too late. Heinz was already hard, and trying desperately to hide it. He kicked the man and scooted away, eyes squinted and ready for the on pouring of taunting from his nemesis about how he’d psychologically gotten into Heinz’s mind. 

However, no such taunting came. Instead, Agent P. tipped his fedora and left the way he came. 

For a moment, Heinz remained on the floor, breathless and agitated. It was like the agent was grabbing ahold of his brain and squeezing it from the inside out. 

If Perry had used their one-night-stand against Heinz, it might have made more sense, but for the teal-haired man to not say _anything_ at all was just plain disturbing. Eventually, the evil scientist picked himself up and grouchily made his way to the dining room, sitting down to catch his breath. He wasn’t even thirty, and already too old for this kind of action. 

He honestly had planned to grab a quick drink of water, then spend the next couple hours cleaning up the mess Agent P. had graciously left behind, but instead, the evil scientist found himself sitting on the couch in front of the TV, drinking an ice cold beer. 

But despite his efforts to numb his thoughts, he couldn’t stop thinking about the agent.

What was Perry’s game? What did he want from Heinz? Did that night really just mean _nothing_?

The evil scientist was scheming in cold-blooded anger before he even realized it. 

~o~o~o~o~o~o~

The next morning, Heinz was already hard at work on another doomsday device, but this time, he was pulling together everything he already knew about his nemesis to create the perfect scheme. 

It was simple, really. He honestly didn’t know how he hadn’t thought of it before. All he had to do was create a robot programmed to counter all of Agent P.’s specialized combat techniques, while Heinz made sure his machine was thwart-proof. No self-destruct buttons,- although he was pained to build a machine without it- no obvious reverse switches,- honestly, what was he thinking?- and no exposed control panels to get to. Just his device and it’s evil purpose, with a trapped and defeated nemesis to watch helplessly. 

In his driven focus, Heinz lost track of time, and was surprised to see Agent P. dart into his living room through a burned hole in the ceiling. 

_Great, that was probably going to be another couple hundred dollars in repairs._

Perry landed in a defensive position, eyes narrowed and alert. His muscles seemed slightly relaxed, but the evil scientist knew his nemesis’s reflexes met no competition. He smirked to himself, anticipation bursting through his blood as he moved to activate his prepared trap. 

However, Agent P. was apparently eager, and jumped out of the way before the metal bars could grab him. 

“Really?” Heinz barked. “I go to _all_ this trouble to build, plan, and execute a trap, and you just jump out of the way, Mr. I-Can’t-Seem-To-Walk-Through-Doors-Like-Normal-People-“

The man never got to finish his sentence, as the agent pummeled into him and knocked him to the ground. 

Heinz growled. “You know what? I guess I’ll just _make_ you stay put!”

The scientist pulled out a device from his lab coat pocket, and managed to zap his nemesis mid-punch. Agent P.’s eyes widened as his limbs became limp and he fell to the ground, motionless. 

“You just got blasted with my Immobilization-Inator. Pretty cool, huh? It forces your muscles to relax so you can’t move them.”

Somehow, despite being blasted, Perry still managed to roll his eyes in response. 

“Now that you’re finally sitting _still,_ let me introduce you to the greatest piece of evil you’ve ever seen! Behold, my giant robot inator!”

Agent P.’s eyes scanned the angles he could see from his limited movement. This caused Doofenshmirtz to laugh even louder. 

“It isn’t somewhere in this building, my nemesis; it _is_ this building!”

Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc. began to vibrate. Heinz continued laughing, arms raised, as the top of the building lowered and a hodgepodge of all of his inators rose on individual platforms, aimed at the entirety of Danville. 

“See, I was getting nowhere with just one evil scheme at a time, so I combined all of them! And guess what, Agent P.? I disassembled _all_ the self-destruct buttons! There’s _no_ way to defeat my machines!”

His nemesis deliciously struggled against the chemicals that were still keeping his muscles weak, but to no avail. Heinz walked up to a self-made control panel in the center of the room, and began raising many of the colored levers, warming up his machines. 

“The only downfall is that this takes a lot of power, so ah.. give me a second..”

Heinz pretended not to sneak peeks at Agent P. as he struggled on the floor. Two very conflicting emotions, both of which had been boiling inside the scientist’s mind for quite a few days now, were now competing for his attention. One made him want to grab the agent and throw him off the side of the building. The other wanted to grab him by the collar and kiss him. 

But above all, Heinz was angry. He couldn’t place it, he was just.. angry. And it was this rage that fueled his next move. 

With all the inators now fully charged, and Agent P. finally shaking the effects of the immobilization, Heinz let loose a trap door he’d installed inside of his wall. Immediately, a gigantic robot, almost three times as tall as the agent, emerged from his charging station and towered over Perry, eyes glowing red. 

“Meet Norm.” Doofenshmirtz smirked. “Your worst nightmare.”

“Hi. I’m Norm.”

Agent P. was still shaky, but he managed to jump out of the robot’s impending fist. Norm cracked the floor, unfortunately. Heinz made a note to lower his force to speed ratio. However, Heinz grinned as Norm anticipated Agent P. going in for the kick, and grabbed his leg, sending him slamming to the ground. 

Now that his nemesis was properly distracted, Heinz began readying the next phase of his scheme. 

He maneuvered the platforms of each of the inators, turning their targets to city hall. He couldn’t even begin to imagine what disasters would result from shooting all his failed inators at once, but the excitement of the idea was already too deeply ingrained in his mind. And what did he care about Danville?

“Secretly, I’m very lonely!”

Heinz glanced behind him to see Agent P. flip over a table to avoid Norm’s giant fist. The scientist grinned; Agent P. was clearly talented, and still able to dodge the killer robot with the use of speed, but soon his energy would be depleted, and he’d be utterly helpless. Why, oh why, hadn’t he thought of this idea before?

_Ninety-eight perfect charged._

Heinz rubbed his hands together. Any minute now, and the Tri-State Area would be his. 

Just as he was about to hit the power button, a flurry of footsteps charged from behind him. Heinz yelped as Perry jumped up, legs raised, and barely missed kicking him to the ground. The scientist was about to laugh in mockery, when Norm burst forwards and raised his fist.

“No, no, no, you’ll hit my-“

It was too late. Heinz scarcely managed to dive out of the way as Norm crashed into his control panel, smashing it to pieces. Each one of his Inators sizzled and completely lost power. Norm also began to vibrate with an intense surge of electrical power, activating his fail safe. The robot's eyes shut and he fell to the ground, still with one of his fists raised.

Heinz blinked for a moment, trying to process what had just happened. He glanced over at his nemesis, who was still crouched in a defensive position, watching the scientist with quiet alertness.

Heinz wasn't sure what boiled inside him, but whatever it was, it finally spilled over. He turned to Perry and glared.

"You know what? I fucking hate you."

"What else is new?" Perry chirped, cocking an eyebrow. "It was a fair game."

"I should have won! My plan was fool-proof! I demand a rematch!"

"I'll be sure to be here tomorrow, then." Perry snapped sarcastically, standing and brushing himself off. He was about to call for his hover-car, when Heinz jumped forwards and pushed the man to the ground. 

Agent P. looked shocked for a second, but quickly recovered and kicked Heinz in the stomach, sending him backwards. 

This attack resulted in another burst of unwavering emotion in Heinz, and he retaliated with a brutal, closed fist punch.

It missed, of course, because his nemesis was just too damn quick. Agent P. grabbed him by the arm and hurled the scientist back to the ground. 

They were both staring at each other with something dark gleaming in both of their eyes.

Heinz tried to get up again, but was stopped by Perry's foot, which pushed him back down.

"What the hell is your problem?" The agent barked. 

"My problem? _My_ problem?"

"This is a new low, even for you."

Heinz growled, and pushed his nemesis off, forcing himself to stand.

"I just don't.. understand you! I thought I'd finally had you figured out! And then, you have to go and completely shatter everything! You've ruined it, you _bastard_ , ruined it!"

Perry's mouth gaped.

But Heinz was fully raging, at this point. He shouted, heart racing. "And then, you don't even have the guts to mention it! We fuck, and you just pretend like it never happened! Why do you have to be so- so- ugh!”

The scientist huffed; he felt like he'd just run a marathon. 

“Ah.” Agent P. tisked, now completely lowering his defensive position and scratching the back of his head. “Honestly, Doc., I didn’t think you would want me mentioning that ever again."

Heinz raised an eyebrow, glowering at his nemesis. While it was true the man probably had a point, considering who they were and what they did, the scientist was refusing to acknowledge logic in this moment. He was still hurt, and confused, and wanted answers. They stared at each other for what felt like an eternity. 

“That was a mistake. I’m sorry.” Perry finally murmured. 

“A mistake?”

His nemesis steeled his expression into a cold reserve that Heinz had never witnessed before. It was strange, and almost a little scary. “You were drunk. I was drunk. And we were off the clock. It was what it was, but I think it’s best we pretend it never happened. Don’t you agree?”

Who _was_ this man? And what was his agenda? Heinz’s mind was running in circles, trying to find a more complex and satisfying answer than the one his nemesis was trying to get him to accept. What could Agent P. possibly gain from manipulating him in this way?

Heinz felt his heart shattering. And this feeling triggered some very deeply ingrained coping mechanisms that incased his heart into a cage of stone. 

“Heinz..”

The doctor hissed, shuddering at hearing his name on the agent’s lips once more. He turned away, frowning. 

“I’m an O.W.C.A. agent. You are a threat to my people and my city. Surely that line alone explains why we can’t follow down that path.”

“Because your _morals_ won’t allow it?” Heinz snapped. 

“Correct.”

Agent P. wasn’t smirking, nor did Heinz witness the familiar facial expressions he’d grown to recognize when his nemesis was toying with him in bantering or in sarcasm. Agent P. was dead serious, and the more he spoke, the more Heinz retreated into his already silent cage. 

Finally, he let out a long breath, turning his back to the teal-haired man. “Curse you, Agent P.”

There was hesitation, but finally, Agent P. understood his cue to leave, and dropped out of the building as effortlessly as he always did. Heinz glanced up at the hole in his ceiling and let out a long sigh. Perhaps it wasn’t Agent P. that was messing with him, but the entire universe itself. 

~o~o~o~o~o~o~

The evil scientist’s next week was filled with an emptiness that competed with no other. He hadn’t felt this down-hearted when he was alone for his fifth birthday party. Hell, he hadn’t felt this cold and angry when his parents disowned him, nor when he first found out his ex-wife Charlene was filing for a divorce. 

Vanessa visited for the weekend, bringing with her a new cell phone and some sketchbooks she never wanted him to look at. The man tried to engage her in various father/daughter activities, but it seemed his little girl was loosing interest in cookie baking and board game playing, and would rather spend most of the day in her room, texting her friends. 

As a result, Heinz began fiddling with his killer robot, Norm, trying to figure out how to upgrade his intelligence capacity, and manipulate his killer instincts. Maybe he would make a good house keeper to take care of daily duties while Heinz spent more time on his evil schemes. 

But no matter what, the weekend rolled by just a slowly as Heinz’s heart was beating. Simmering beneath his sadness was an overwhelming desire to eliminate the source of his tension. He could make an Inator to just make Agent P. disappear once and for all, and finally, he could get on with his life. But how could he create an evil scheme about something like this? There was no way his pride could handle monologuing these particular feelings to Agent P. himself.

Perhaps he could request a new agent for the day? 

_Yeah, right._ Every time Heinz had had the unfortunate luck of dealing with a substitute agent, the results had been much more catastrophic than desired. 

Maybe he could disguise this evil scheme underneath a decoy one, that way, Agent P. would never know the truth behind his underlying anger, and Heinz could just pretend it was all for other reasons. 

But Heinz knew, that no matter what, Agent P. could always tell when he was lying. 

Stumped and beyond pissed off, Heinz decided he had no choice but to finally eliminate the source of _all_ the evil scientist’s problems; O.W.C.A. itself. With the entire organization out of the way, the most rotten, diabolical, and under-appreciated minds of the Tri-State Area could come together and finally find the revenge they so desperately craved. 

No more obstacles. No more failure. No more Perry.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~  


A couple days later, Heinz was out and about, marking off the chores on his to-do list. It was the middle of the afternoon on a Monday, which was his absolute favorite time to shop because most people were still at work, leaving the stores emptier than normal.

He had just turned the corner from picking up his now cleaned lab coats, when suddenly, he ran face first into someone who had seemingly appeared from nowhere. 

Perry.

Heinz blinked, catching himself from falling to the ground. The teal-haired man looked so strange without his formal wear; he was clad in a simple black t-shirt and a pair of ripped, black jeans, showing off his rather developed biceps and full length tattoo sleeve.

Heinz gaped. Since when had his nemesis had tattoos?

The agent smiled coyly and reached down to grab his dry-cleaning. “Gosh, Doc., I’m so sorry. Here.”

Heinz noted how odd it was running into the man in a non-professional setting, seeing as they had never done so before. Was the agent following him?

The scientist briefly considered brushing past the man and ignoring him, but didn’t, simply grunted as his nemesis handed him the fallen bag of clothing. They didn’t say a word for a moment, as Heinz internally cursed the day he met this annoying agent. 

“You still hate me.” Perry blinked, eyebrow raised. 

Heinz huffed. “You’re my nemesis.”

“Well,” the agent continued, scratching the back of his head. This seemed to be a nervous tick for the man, triggered whenever he was uncomfortable. Heinz mentally saved that note to add later. “I was thinking. Perhaps we can compromise.”

“Um. What?”

“I’m opening for a few bands at this downtown concert in a couple weeks. Want to come?”

Heinz blinked. He glared into the man’s eyes, wondering where this surprising gesture of camaraderie was coming from. “We aren’t friends.”

“No.” Agent P. continued, smiling. “But it’s going to be an awesome concert, and I’d get you access to all kinds of backstage benefits. I don’t think even the mayor is allowed into some of the celebrity areas..”

Heinz sucked in his breath. The agent was definitely manipulating him.   
  
But what the hell. Maybe he’d find something useful.

“Fine.” Heinz replied, crossing his arms. “When is it?”

The agent pulled a small piece of paper out of his pocket and handed it to Heinz, who was briefly reminded of the first time they ever met. It was a ticket to the concert, with a backstage pass, and information regarding the location. Heinz took the papers and glanced over them, before safely concealing them in his own pocket. 

When he glanced back up, Agent P. tipped his hat and proceeded along his way, hands in his pockets. Heinz watched him go for a minute, before continuing down his own path, mind running. 

Agent P. had the annoying habit of always showing up when he was least wanted, but his nemesis remained unaware that he had just handed Heinz the perfect way to begin developing his ultimate plan of evil. Surely, there would be coworkers there to support the agent. And Heinz was prepared to use every trick possible to discover just what made O.W.C.A. tick. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is all going to boil over. Get ready for the explosion haha.


	3. The Concert

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, an update, haha. Hope y'all enjoy. Thank you for all your comments!

Heinz Doofenshmirtz was seriously considering fixing his wardrobe. Why did he have almost _nothing_ to wear to a concert. 

It didn’t help that his closet was full of destroyed or unfinished inators that he disguised in the form of clothes, from boots to hats to jeans. He discarded each of the objects as he piled through his closet, being careful not to activate any of them. 

Despite feeling like an awkward mess, Heinz’s heart was racing about the thought of attending Perry’s concert. And _no_ , it had nothing to do with being able to see the man sing again. The scientist was anticipating that moment when he’d scout out the most internally vulnerable person, and manipulate out information about his nemesis. Agent P. was writing his own death sentence, word by word. 

But just in case there were some unforeseen circumstances.. Heinz pulled out the tiny inator from his coat pocket and examined it with fever. He was sure to find out what he needed with the Mind-Reader-Inator.  

After tearing his whole closet apart, Heinz finally landed on a his normal grey pants, black shirt, and white lab coat. This was how he normally dressed, after all; why change it for a simple concert? 

He grabbed his car keys and his shoes and breathed in the fresh Danville air as he piled into his truck. This city was destined to be his- he just knew it. The cards were going to fall in his favor one of these days.

The thought did cross the evil scientist’s mind that maybe Agent P. had deliberately asked him to this concert for some reason of his own. Maybe he had his own spies, probably other O.W.C.A. agents, ready to scout out and attack Heinz when he least expected. The scientist vowed to keep his guard up.  

The concert was being held outdoors, much to Heinz’s annoyance. He hated bugs. The large stretch of land around the front of the stage was already teeming with people when Heinz pulled out his VIP tag and barged his way to the front. 

Agent P. was there, of course, strumming on an acoustic guitar. The teal-haired man was painted in a full face of make up, but had seemingly gone for a much more toned-down look, sporting a light lipstick and black eyeliner. However, his all-black clothing was a bit too tight for Heinz’s mind to handle. The scientist forced himself to focus on the agent’s eyes. 

Agent P. waved as Heinz approached the stage. 

“You made it!” The agent grinned, reaching out to shake his nemesis’s hand. After a moment’s hesitation, the scientist reciprocated. 

This was awfully civil for the conversation they’d had not to long ago. Heinz watched the man warily as he put down his guitar and beckoned Heinz behind another curtain. 

Three men were hanging out around a pile of folding chairs, sipping carbonated drinks and laughing. They looked up as soon as Perry entered, and gave each other strange looks that Heinz couldn’t interpret. 

“Hey boys, this is Heinz, my coworker.”

Heinz thought it interesting that neither of the other men were wearing make-up. So it wasn’t just a part of their brand? However, they definitely stood out, with full-length tattoos, colored hair, and a variety of different piercings. 

One of the men with black and blonde hair raised his hand to shake. “Ah. Good to finally meet someone who has witnessed this mysterious day job Perry will never tell us about. My name’s Zak. Good to meet you.”

Heinz knitted his eyebrows; _they_ were supposed to be the ones who held all the information about his nemesis, not _him._

The second man, a brunette with tattoos that snaked all the way up his neck, nodded his head and smiled. “Jack.”

“And I’m River.” The third man, a short, bald man wearing a baseball cap, echoed. 

Heinz smiled sheepishly at the three band members and immediately began eyeing each of them, wondering which would be the easiest target to test out his Mind-Reader-Inator. 

“Jack and Zak are in the band. Jack plays bass and Zak is our percussionist.” Perry continued. “And River- River is our agent. You’ll probably be hanging out with him the most. Maybe you can pitch your own musical. I know you love to sing.” The agent lightly elbowed him teasingly. 

Heinz rolled his eyes, surpassing the urge to harshly elbow his nemesis back. 

“You play?” Jack questioned.   
  
“Well- not expertly or anything, although I do play piano. Oh! And I also know a bit of guitar. See, I discovered this ancient Egyptian melody in the depths of the Egyptian pyramids, that when played, would summon an army of aliens capable of mass destruction-“

“Like I said,” Agent P. interrupted, giving Heinz a look, “our job is a very creatively challenging one.”

“Sounds like it.” Zak huffed. “Hey, was that Love Handel that just passed?”

“You guys need to get on soon.” River gasped. “Opening is only a few minutes away!”

Agent P. patted Heinz on the back and grabbed his electric guitar. After a staff member made sure all their microphones were in place, they were usher behind the curtain. It wasn’t long before Heinz could hear the screams and cheers of all the people crowded around the stage as Agent P. and his band launched into their first song. 

River stood and approached him. “You can watch from the side stage with some of the other VIPs if you want. Let me know if you need anything?”

“Actually, I did have a question..”

“Mm, yes?”

“Ag- Perry is a very, well, closed-off person, don’t you agree?”

River raised an eyebrow, but after a moment of processing the strange question, simply shrugged his shoulders in a reluctant sign of affirmation. “I get the feeling there’s a lot about Perry that we were never really meant to know, much less understand.”

Heinz squinted his eyes, feeling the lies begin to easily slip off his tongue. “I’m just, well, worried about him. He’s been even more distant lately. He won’t tell me anything. I was wondering if there’s something you’d know that could help me be a better.. friend?..” The scientist had to chalk up the word friend like it was a piece of lodged bone.

River scratched his neck. “It’s.. not really my story to tell..”

Heinz’s eyes widened. He discreetly reached inside his lab coat and grabbed the trigger for his Mind-Reader-Inator. However, before he could formally pull out his device and use it, a man in a large t-shirt bumped into River, knocking his coffee out of his hand. 

“Oh, goodness, I’m so sorry, man..”

River, having jumped back in pain from the hot coffee, grumbled something in response but tried to brush it off. “No, no, it’s okay, I probably didn’t need the caffeine anyway.”

The strange man met Heinz’s eyes, and glared, pointing his fingers in Heinz’s direction, before then pointing to his own eyes. Heinz stared, bewildered, as the two men moved away to clean up the coffee stains.

_Of course Agent P. would make sure there was another spy. So he was playing at something, too._

Unfortunately, having lost his first chance at obtaining information, Heinz reluctantly grabbed a seat at the side of the stage and began watching the show. Despite being pouty and pissed off, both at his failure and just at his nemesis in general, the scientist couldn’t help but become entranced by the sound of Agent P.’s voice. It was gritty and deep, but the pure rawness of it could pull the music to an emotional moment that Heinz had never experienced before. 

It was different than the nightclub. This music was crafted, artistic, and purposely performed to make the audience _feel_ something.

Agent P. danced around the stage, slamming on his guitar, making his work look like the easiest thing to do in the world. Just like his combat skills. It seemed as if the man could walk on air. 

Since the band was opening, they weren’t on stage for very long, but Heinz felt himself clapping as the band made their way off the stage, pumped and sweating and grinning from ear to ear. As they were packing up their instruments, Love Handel walked over to the VIP section to greet their guests and take pictures. Heinz decided he wasn’t interested, and slinked away to find his nemesis.

Perry waved as Heinz approached. “So, what did you think?”

The scientist raised an eyebrow. “Why haven’t we done a duet, yet?”

His nemesis grinned. “Maybe one day. But seriously, thanks for supporting me. Means a lot.”

“Sure.”

“Want to join us for drinks?”

It was obvious Perry and his band were exhausted and ready to celebrate with the rest of the fans outside. Heinz shook his head. “I have to pick up my daughter.”

“Ah. See you later, then.”

The evil scientist waited until all three of the men had left, before running across the stage and once again contacting River. 

“It was good to meet you, Heinz.” The agent smiled. 

“You too. Hey, about what we were talking about earlier..”

“Ah. Well, like I said, it’s not my story to tell. Perry’s very particular about his..”

Heinz saw the spy from earlier trying to intervene, but this time, Heinz was too quick, pulling out his device and hitting River right in the chest. The man gasped, falling against some of the discarded chairs. Heinz felt the spy jump up and grab his inator, but it was already too late. Heinz had fallen into the depths of River’s thoughts. 

~o~o~o~o~o~o~

Being in the midst of someone else’s thoughts was quite strange. Heinz could barely grasp onto the flying thoughts, instead having to clasp his hands against his ears to drown out the chaotic noise. He could see nothing but color, diving and bursting and popping, almost blinding him. 

With sheer will, Heinz forced himself to open his mind and reach for whatever it was that River had been thinking about last. An image of Agent P. fizzled to the forefront, and Heinz mentally dived towards it, reaching out to grab it. 

He stepped into the image. Immediately, he was pushed into some portion of River’s memory. He was inside a house, a small one, with blue walls and high ceilings. Heinz’s mind focused on the figure of Perry, sitting at the kitchen table, twirling something.. was it a knife?..

Suddenly, Heinz felt a pull at the back of his navel, and the scene disappeared. All the color and the chaotic noise retreated, leaving Heinz with only one sound to focus on: someone was calling out his name. 

The evil scientist blinked, staring up at the spy, who was frantically trying to revive him. Heinz coughed, cringing from the light, and looked beside him, where River was already being carried out of the stage by O.W.C.A. back up.

The spy held up his inator and shook it. “What is this thing! What did you do?”

Heinz growled and grabbed the machine. He even surprised himself at his own ability to pull it out of the man’s hands after just waking up. It wasn’t long before the spy had gripped the other end and was pulling it, trying to wrangle the machine out of his hands. Heinz managed to release the SIM card, dropping it to the ground, before letting go of his device, causing the spy to stumble and fall. Heinz picked up the card and hid it in his lab coat pocket before taking off running. 

The spy didn’t follow. He probably thought since the device was confiscated, Heinz had been thwarted. The scientist chuckled to himself as he ran for his car and drove away from the stage, the SIM card burning a hole against his chest. 

When Heinz returned home, he threw his shoes against the wall and stumbled into the living room to turn on his computer. Finally, he might find some answers. The anticipation was killing him. 

Thankfully, there wasn’t any problems uploading the SIM card to his computer. This was quite a complicated bit of technology, trying to record and upload someone’s thoughts, but Heinz was confident he’d succeeded. This proved to be true when the scene he’d seen earlier popped up on his screen. 

Carefully, Heinz peered Agent P. on his computer. The teal-haired man was definitely twirling a knife, but it wasn’t a standard pocketknife. The blade gleamed in deep blue whenever Perry turned it towards the light, and the handle was decorated in a beautiful silver scribe. Perhaps this was a knife that River owned, and therefore, he was projecting it into his memory. But nonetheless, Heinz didn’t expect what he saw next. 

The scene changed abruptly, like the ending of a TV show. 

Heinz was horrified by what he saw. 

There lay Perry, lifeless, on the floor, his body slumped over as if he’d fallen off the couch behind him, a knife discarded not far from his outstretched hand. Blood poured out from his arms and wrists, curving in rivers to opposite ends of the room. 

The sight was enough to make Heinz nauseous, and he violently pulled himself from the memory, gasping for breath as if he’d just seen a ghost. It took a minute for him to process. So River was worried Perry was going to.. what? Die? It was possible. Heinz certainly didn’t have a hard time believing that the agent had a long list of enemies. 

Another thought entered his mind, but Heinz quickly pushed it away. There was no way. Agent P., his scathing, sarcastic, cocky, and all-around mysterious nemesis wasn’t suicidal. It just wasn’t possible. 

Besides, this was based off of a man’s personal thoughts, and could be very far from accurate. Calming himself down with this line of logic, Heinz poured himself a shot of whiskey and returned to his set of blueprints. 

It didn’t seem that his attempts to acquire information about Perry’s weaknesses had led to anything, expect more questions, disappointing. Of course, Heinz had to admit that he sort’ve anticipated this outcome, seeing as the agent was a fuse of mysteries. But no matter. Agent P. had invited Heinz into an aspect of his life that was usually kept private, and it was the perfect ammo to initiate his most villainous plan. 

Heinz chuckled to himself. This time, he would come out on top. 

~o~o~o~o~o~o~

The next day, out of brute curiosity, Heinz had pulled together some low-level scheme, just to see if Agent P. would show and mention anything from the concert. However, he was loathe to meet with a substitute agent: a rhino, without a first name attached to it. The gigantic beast crashed into his living room and glared at the scientist.

Heinz tried to activate a trap, but the metal claw barely fit around the rhino’s meaty ankle. Sighing, Heinz slapped his forehead and hit the self-destruct button on his machine. The scheme hadn’t been worth much, anyway.

It just wasn’t the same without Agent P.

“Oops, I didn’t mean to hit that.” The evil scientist cried, not really trying to act too hard. “I guess I’m foiled. Curse you.. Agent R., whatever your name is.”

The rhino agent blinked twice, before seemingly understanding what was going on, and exiting the building the same way he entered. Heinz sighed as he watched the agent walk off, leaving a gigantic hole in the scientist’s front living room wall. 

With his day completely open, Heinz pushed all the broken pieces of metal to the side of the room and disappeared into the kitchen. The stack of blueprints he’d pulled out from the night before were still there, strewn about in a pattern not unlike his own mental thought process. He sat down with a cup of coffee and began to glance at them again. 

After a couple of minutes, he sighed, frustrated. He kicked one of the piles off the table, trying to let out some emotional energy.

His cell phone rang. Heinz grumbled, instantly recognizing who was on the other line. 

“Hello, Charlene.”

“Hello, Heinz. I just wanted to confirm that we are still switching weekends with Vanessa because of my trip.”

Charlene always talked so monotonously when she called him, not that Heinz really cared, but her voice never ceased to irk him. 

“Yes, we are still switching weekends.” Eye roll.

“Alright, thanks. See you later.”

The call dropped. Heinz stared at his phone for a second, before putting it away and rubbing his face with his hands. As he looked up, he happened to glance at the pile of blueprints he’d pushed onto the floor. And suddenly, an idea hit him.

Yes. It was _perfect._

~o~o~o~o~o~o~

That weekend, Danville was drenched in sunshine. However, Heinz was nowhere near enjoying it. He was stuck in his closets and spare rooms, pulling together part after part, making an inventory of everything he had and everything he needed for his latest nefarious plan. 

He didn’t expect the shadow that loomed over him.

“Having fun?”

Agent P. Heinz frowned, removing himself from the closet and brushing off his lab coat. Agent P. was dressed as usual, formal and sharp. It still seemed like the man was a different person everything the doctor saw him. 

“Ah, Agent P. I hadn’t, uh, finished planning what I was going to destroy today.. You’re a bit early..”

The agent raised an eyebrow and pointed to his watch. Heinz quickly glimpsed at his clock across the room and sighed. The hours had passed much quicker than he’d thought. 

“This scheme is going to take awhile.”

“That’s not why I’m here.”

_Oh?_ Heinz crossed his arms and sized up his nemesis. The agent appeared much less carefree than normal, squinting his eyes, gleaming with something dark. The scientist briefly wondered what this man would’ve been like if he’d pursued evil instead of good. 

“You ah.. going to explain?”

“I thought inviting you to the concert would produce some interesting results into your latest big project. Don’t think O.W.C.A. hasn’t noticed your elevated internet ordering.”

Heinz growled. “So you were tricking me.”

The agent ticked. “I wasn’t _tricking_ you. Something is obviously bothering you. Just wondered what the results were from your little run in with River.”

Heinz felt anger begin to boil under the surface of his skin. He could feel his face tinting a pale red. “That’s classified.”

“Is it?” Agent P. snipped. 

The images from River’s thoughts briefly flashed through the doctor’s mind. Perry bleeding, lying on the floor.. The horrific scene was too much to keep hidden from his expression, and unfortunately from his nemesis’s irritatingly observant eye.

“Something is definitely bothering you.” The agent reiterated. 

Heinz squinted his eyes, brushing past his nemesis with a desperate glare. “We’re nemeses. And just so you know, I’m planning an evil scheme so nefarious, so heinous, so _malevolent,_ that it’ll shake your entire agency to it’s very boots! Or.. out of it’s boots.. however that saying goes..”

Agent P. glared back and stood straighter. “Then I guess you’ll be seeing more of me.”

“Regrettably.”

The agent left one last glare before storming off of the building in his jetpack. Heinz watched the man disappear, grumbling to himself as he returned to his inventory. Who did that agent think he was, and how dare he play with Heinz’s emotions. The doctor gripped his lab coat and pulled out the last piece he needed. A smile spread across his face. 

This time, the victory would be his.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~

At the crack of dawn the next morning, Heinz Doofenshmirtz was up and putting the last finishing touches on his plan. It was absolutely perfect. The doctor chuckled to himself as he activated the control panel, wishing he could see the first look on Agent P.’s face when he realized what was happening.

Five robots woke from their digital slumber, eyes glowing red, and formed into a defensive stance, awaiting his orders. 

What Agent P. hadn’t realized, was that Doofenshmirtz had stumbled upon his nemesis’s weakness without even meaning to. Hidden in River’s thought, barely noticeable in the background, was a photo. A little research was all it took to figure out who it was. 

A robot triangle headed boy, a green haired boy, a girl with a long neck, and two adult parents burst of Heinz’s balcony and headed towards O.W.C.A. The scientist laughed, watching through a long telescope as they jumped into the building and began tearing up the roof. 

“Yes!” The doctor cried. “It’s going better than I’d hoped!”

“I’d think twice about that.”

Agent P. was standing in his living room, eyes ablaze with wildfire. Heinz grinned, activating a metal chain that swung in the man’s direction. However, the man dodged it with one move.

“Hey!” Heinz cried.

Agent P. came after him with a ferocious swing, one that Heinz barely managed to miss. The doctor yelped and ran out of the way, doing the best he could to avoid every single one of the man’s punches. 

Despite the incessant waste of energy, Heinz secretly reveled in the anger that lighted his nemesis. He knew he’d gotten to him. 

While thinking, the scientist tripped on a piece of metal, and fell to the ground. Instantly, Agent P. was on top of him, fist raised. 

“I hate you.” Perry screamed. “How _dare_ you.”

“Ha!” Heinz cried. “Yeah, I crossed a line, didn’t I? Using your _family_ against you. Even if they are robots, I know who they are. And they are going to _destroy_ O.W.C.A.!”

The doctor screamed as his nemesis punched him in the nose. Blood starting pouring down his lip and into his mouth. 

“Turn them off!" 

Heinz cackled. “Beat me up all you want. I won’t!”

Frustrated, the Agent P. pushed him aside and stood, glowering with an extreme mixture of anger and hate. Heinz creakily pulled himself to his feet, afraid to touch his nose because of the extreme throbbing. 

Perry schooled his expressions. “Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t take you in.”

“Take me in?” Heinz gasped. “You wouldn’t!”

“Like you said, you crossed a line. You should know better.”

“Whoa, whoa!” The doctor screeched, cringing at the pain of moving his face too much, and the horrific taste of blood in his mouth. “ _I_ crossed a line? So it’s perfectly fine for _you_ to cross a line, but all of a sudden when I do it, it’s _prison?_ You’re.. so.. that’s so unfair!”

“When I crossed a line?”

Heinz huffed, feeling an iron band around his mind snap off, unleashing a rush of emotions that he’d been harboring for weeks now. “You don’t _know_? How about getting drunk and making love in the backstage bathroom! What do you call _that_?”

It took Heinz a few minutes to realize that Perry still hadn’t said anything in response. His face was completely torn, probably trying to process what Heinz had just said. The scientist rubbed his forehead, suddenly becoming aware of the huge headache that had started throbbing at the base of his skull.

Suddenly, there was a strange beep. 

“Come in, Agent P. O.W.C.A. has neutralized the threat. Do you require back up?”

“No, sir. All threats have been terminated.”

“Oh. Are you bringing Dr. Doofenshmirtz in?”

Agent P. glanced up, glaring at his nemesis with a pained look. “No. Unless you deem it necessary?”

“That decision is still yours. Keep us updated. Monogram out.”

The screen went black, and Perry dropped his wrist, returning to staring at Heinz and wetting his lips. “I didn’t know you felt.. more.”

Heinz gulped. “Well. I just don’t like you playing with my emotions like that.”

“I wasn’t trying to.”

“But you said this could never happen because I’m evil!”

Agent P. collapsed onto his green sofa, rubbing his temples. “You didn’t actually believe that bullshit, did you?”

Heinz gaped. This reaction had completely thrown him for a loop. “I’m sorry, I don’t follow.”

It was almost like the Agent P. he’d grown to know completely melted away. And what he saw was even not quite like the Perry hadn’t grown to enjoy watching on stage. This Perry was.. disturbed. Dark. It sent a shiver up Heinz’s spine. 

“This world isn’t so black and white. Good and evil.. they exist in all people. It’s the choices we make that decide what kind of person we become. Follow your evil path.. I don’t really care. I will always make sure and thwart you.”

“I still.. don’t follow.”

Perry took a deep breath and motioned for Heinz to pull up a chair, which he did, albeit hesitantly. 

“Look, I’m sorry for.. you know, crossing a line. You’re right, it was unfair.”

Heinz eyed the man in front of him, watching his mind race with thoughts at lightning speed. It seemed that no matter how much the scientist studied him, he would always be a puzzle, and one that Heinz could never figure out. 

For a moment, Heinz tried to push past his initial emotions and imagine a world where they could actually make this work. Is that what he wanted? More of the Perry he’d grown to know at the nightclub?

“Maybe we can, you know. Start over.” Heinz smiled sheepishly. “I’m sorry about using your family, I just.. wanted to get even.”

Perry glanced up. “Where did you get their identity?”

“Oh. I used a mind-reader-inator to access your friend’s thoughts, and saw a picture inside them. I figured they were important to you or him, and would get your attention. And it worked, didn’t it?”

The agent nodded. “What else did you see?”

Heinz swallowed. “Nothing. Just you. Sitting.”

“Dead?”

Heinz’s eyes widened. “How did you?..”

“Lucky guess.”

A pause. Heinz wasn’t sure what to do, so he just sat twirling his thumbs in an obsessive pattern. 

“Look. I like you.” Agent P. sighed. “You’re.. crazy, ridiculous, and over-the-top, but you’re wild, and resistant, and I like that. But I’m not the type of person you want to be in a relationship with.”

Heinz frowned. “Why?”

“I have.. good months. Periods of time where I am confident, bold, outgoing, and maybe even fun. But those days are matched by bad months. And the good times are good, but the bad ones are really, really bad. It eventually drives people away. I will hurt you, one way or another.”

“I.. I still don’t follow.”

“Ask River. He might be able to explain better. I have to go.”

Perry was already up and attempting to leave the building. Heinz jumped up and grabbed his shoulder, forcing the teal-haired man to look him in the eyes. 

“You’re just going to leave?”

The agent sighed. “Goodbye, Heinz.”

And with that, the man as gone. 


	4. I Loved Him When I Left Him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It seems like every time I had a chapter, I have to update the tags haha. I just want you to know that there is a MAJOR CHARACTER DEATH but that there is also A HAPPY ENDING. And I mean a real happy ending, none of that bittersweet stuff. 
> 
> Should be done with this story soon. For now, enjoy a new chapter!

Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz was talented and dangerous. He was a master inventor, a manipulator; he was the little pebble in your shoe that just won’t go away. He played Danville like a chess board, and knew just which pieces to move in order to start a ball of evil rolling. He even believed, some days, that the devil watched him work with a great smile of pure glee. 

But now, it seemed that those clearly drawn lines between good and evil were starting to blur. Maybe he wasn’t the evil one. Maybe Perry was. 

Because Perry had taken his heart, twisted it, and then wrenched it completely from his chest, and was now using it to torment every moment of the scientist’s waking thoughts. Heinz tried to believe that these feelings didn’t exist, that he was simply having a bad day, or a bad year, or a bad life. But even his deep-seated coping mechanisms weren’t working. Heinz was heartbroken. 

It was stupid, really. But he knew he was heartbroken because his daughter, Vanessa, had noticed his downcast mood, and _she_ spent most of her time zoned out with the headphones in. 

It wasn’t all bad, though. During the weekend, Vanessa had brought out the board games and begged him to play with her, as a simple means of cheering him up. And it did, for a few hours. He pretended that he was still married, living his simple life, and basking in the wonderfulness of domesticity that only a family could bring. 

But not even Heinz couldn't escape the coldness of reality for forever. And soon, he was back to scheming, trying to come up with some disastrous machine that would blow away Agent P., and everyone else back at his headquarters. 

Maybe things could go back to normal. Maybe. 

Heinz had his machine ready. It stood at twelve feet tall, with two huge laser pointers sticking out his balcony window, aimed right at the heart of Danville. There was no _way_ O.W.C.A. could miss it. 

And he waited, and waited, and waited. But no Agent P. ever came. In fact, _no_ one came. Heinz stared at Danville with the control panel in his hand, waiting for his nemesis to jump through his roof, creating a massive hole, and punch the remote right out of his grasp. But afternoon melted into sunset, and Heinz realized that Perry wasn’t coming. 

This knocked Heinz down more than he cared to admit. With a sullen frown, the scientist unplugged his device, changed into his pajamas, and spent the night eating ice cream and watching the Spanish channel. 

However, he wasn’t giving up. The next morning, despite his stiffness from falling asleep on the couch, he got a brilliant idea for his device, and worked with mad fever, adding another lever to the machine. 

This time, not only would it burn anything it hit, but it would cause a massive explosion that would affect everything within a mile radius of the hit. He even made sure to paint the name of the machine- The-Massive-Bomb-Inator in gigantic, bright red letters so there was no way O.W.C.A. would think he was fooling around. 

And he waited, and waited, and waited. But no Agent P.

By the time dusk had returned, Heinz was ready to smash his machine into little pieces. Scarily enough, it hadn’t occurred to him over the past two days to even move forward with his brilliant plan. 

When had his emotions wandered this far? Did he even care about ruling the Tri-State Area anymore? Did he even care about being evil?

Deciding to give his nemesis the benefit of the doubt, Heinz went to bed reading a book, and awoke early, ready to add one more dramatic modification to his Inator. This time, he pushed the machine up higher, aiming it not at the heart of Danville, but at the city as a whole. He enjoyed watching downtown pedestrians stop to find out what was casting such a huge shadow over the street. 

But still, there was no Agent P.

Now fed up and enraged beyond belief, Heinz threw down his remote and grabbed his phone. He dialed O.W.C.A.’s public service number.

“Hello, this is Agent Kay, how may I help you?”

“Yeah, hi, I need to speak with a Major Francis Monogram.”

“I’m sorry, he’s not in right now. I can take a message and have you call him back-“

“No.” Heinz snapped. “My name is Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz, I have a big, scary, extremely _dangerous_ scheme that I’m about to move forward with, and my nemesis has been missing for three days. I need to speak with Francis _now._ ”

“Okay, Sir.” The woman stuttered, obviously taken aback. “Hold on for one second.”

Heinz simply grunted in response. He waited with the phone on speaker, and spent the next five minutes drawing scribbles on a piece of random paper. It seemed like an eternity before Francis’s voice came through. 

“Hello? Doofenshmirtz?”

“ _Finally_. Do you know how _long_ I’ve been waiting? Where is Agent P.?”

“Oh. Agent P. Right. I’m sorry, we’ve been meaning to send you an e-mail regarding the following procedures for an evil scientist in your position-“

“What? My position?” Heinz questioned. 

Major Monogram coughed. “Ah. Yes. Agent P.. doesn’t work for O.W.C.A. anymore.”

Heinz’s mouth dropped all the way to the floor. Of all things, he hadn’t expected this. “Is he sick? Retired?”

Silence. Heinz waited, feeling his rage growing by the minute.

“ _Well?_ What is it, Monobrow?”

“Agent P. is dead. He was found in his home, deceased, four days ago. I’m sorry.”

Heinz almost dropped the phone. He didn’t hear Major Monogram call out his name several times, as his silence stretched on for minute after minute. He couldn’t think; it was like his whole body, as well as his mind, went completely blank. His hands shook. His heart raced. It didn’t believe it. It wasn’t real.

“Doof. Doof!”

“Who murdered him?” Heinz finally croaked,suddenly realizing he’d been silent for almost five minutes.

Francis coughed again. “It wasn’t murder, Heinz. Investigators concluded it was suicide.”

The world kept spinning. None of this was making any sense. The doctor felt like he’d just entered the worst nightmare of his life, and was hoping he would wake up. He had to, he just had to wake up!  


“Heinz.”

“What.” Heinz snapped.

“I’m sorry. I understand you may want some time to grieve. His funeral will be held on Saturday this upcoming weekend, if you want to attend. When you are ready, I’ll send you some forms to fill out.”

Heinz didn’t even bother responding. He hung up.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~

_“I’m sorry, you’ve reached a number that is no longer in service.”_

Heinz gingerly held Perry’s emergency contact number in his hand. The man had given it to him with _specific_ instructions not to use it unless _absolutely_ necessary. Heinz had never had to use it. He just couldn’t believe he never got the chance.

The scientist hadn’t moved from his curled up spot on the couch. The TV played softly in the background, but it’d done nothing to distract his raging mind. Heinz had been right; Perry was _definitely_ the evil one. The agent had turned his jealousy and broken heart into pure, undeniable, unforgivable grief. 

The images of Perry, bleeding and stone cold, from River’s thoughts, played through Heinz’s memory like a broken record. It hadn’t seemed so real, not until today. 

_“What else did you see?”_

_“Nothing. Just you. Sitting.”_

_“Dead?”_

_“How did you?..”_

_“Lucky guess.”_

Had Perry been planning this all along? Was there a deeper meaning to his very last goodbye? Heinz trembled at the thought. He couldn’t move past the terrifying gap in his heart that threatened to plunge him into uncontrollable darkness. He couldn’t stop seeing Perry on stage, dancing, in his stupid outfits and ridiculous black lipstick. He couldn’t stop staring at the Perry shaped hole in his wall. He couldn’t stop seeing the ridiculous man in every single piece of his apartment. 

Eventually, it was all too much. Heinz grabbed all his blueprints, which were still laid out on his bedroom floor from earlier, and tore them all to shreds with a terrifying, bloodcurdling scream. And then he sobbed. And sobbed. And sobbed. 

This was it. This was reality now. And all of a sudden, Heinz wished he’d just pushed the man against the wall and showed him how much he loved him. 

~o~o~o~o~o~o~

It was Friday when Heinz finally had the courage to leave his apartment and step outside. Danville passed him by, the same as it was the day before, with the same familiar shouts, honks, and screeches, except it wasn’t the same. Not really. Because there was someone missing, who wasn’t a part of Danville anymore. Heinz didn’t realize how much he actually hated this city until now. 

He begrudgingly walked across the street to grab a cup of coffee, picked up his cleaned lab coats, and checked his mailbox on the way back. Strangely, there was a small package inside. Heinz picked it up and turned it over. He didn’t remember ordering anything. Could it have been for Vanessa?

There wasn’t a return address. All it said was, “To Heinz,” with his address printed underneath in a sharp, neat handwriting. 

As Heinz dragged his stuff up the stairs, his cell phone rang.

“Hello, Charlene.”  
  
“Heinz. I noticed you haven’t cashed my last alimony check. Is something wrong?”

“Oh. Yeah. Sorry, I meant to. I’ll get on that.”  
  
“Are you okay? Vanessa says you’ve been a little, well, down, as she put it.”

“I’m fine, Charlene. Just a long week.”  
  
“Okay.” The woman sighed. “Let me know if you need anything.”  
  
“Whatever. Bye.” 

Why did that woman always know exactly how to irritate him? With a rough sigh, Heinz managed to drag his dry cleaning safely to his apartment and immediately picked up the package again, turning it over and over in his hand. It wasn’t very heavy. It barely weighed anything, in fact. He shook it. There was definitely something loose inside. 

Stretching across the counter, Heinz grabbed a small pocketknife and opened the package. A small flash drive fell into his hand. It was a standard size, with a simple black handle. Heinz turned it over and over, inspecting every detail. He had a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach. 

Finally, the scientist plugged it into his computer. There was only one file that popped up: a video. And from the thumbnail, Heinz could clearly see that it was from Perry. 

His stomach churned. He knew what this was. This was what all the families talked about when they had loved ones who committed suicide. These words would be the words of a dying man. Heinz had two major impulses; one to pull up the video, and another to stick the flash drive in the blender. 

However, his curiosity won out. With a cringe, Heinz clicked the video. 

_“Hey, Doc.”_

Heinz paused the video. He couldn’t do this. He shut off his computer and stomped into the other room, slamming his door shut. 

~o~o~o~o~o~o~

It was now midnight. The scientist couldn’t sleep. Normally, the unsettled noises of busy city life, and the continuous horns from passing ships in Danville harbor didn’t bother him that much, but tonight, they kept him wide awake. Maybe he didn’t dare fall asleep for fear of the nightmares. Or maybe he just couldn’t stop seeing Perry’s face in his mind. 

His mind couldn’t stop returning to the nightclub. That night had been a wild ride, but now he wouldn’t trade those memories for anything else in the world. He wanted to go back there. 

Heinz found himself getting out of bed, grabbing a strong cup of coffee, and turning his computer on again. Perry’s face immediately popped up, as Heinz had not even bothered to close the program. He sat there, staring at Perry’s brown eyes, until with a sudden, swift movement, hit the play button, and wrapped his arms around himself, in a sort of self-hug. 

_“I’m going to assume O.W.C.A. wasn’t very straightforward with telling you what happened, as is their archetype. Or maybe you finally got fed up and decided to give them a call, as I know is your archetype. Either way, I just now realized five years is a long time to know someone. And even though I spent pretty much ever day of those five years with you, there’s a lot I haven’t said.”_

Heinz was biting at his lips, trying to calm the racing of his heart. He didn’t want to hear this. But he absolutely had to. Perry’s face was very expressionless. The only other time Heinz had seen him like this, was the moment Perry had shared his last goodbye. 

_“I just wanted to start by saying that I’m sorry for taking you on a wild ride of emotions. I got selfish. I just wanted to know what it was like to show you how much I love you before I left.”_

Heinz wanted to cry. He forced the tears back.

_“You may not think you’re beautiful, or successful, or a good father, or even worthy of love, but I’ve gotten to know you, and what I see is a beautiful, successful, man who’s raising a wonderful daughter and who never backs down from anything._

_I envy that about you. I tried, to be like you. I tried to push forward. But I guess, I’m just a coward. I’ve given up. I tried for many years to end this with an honorable death. I really did think you’d be the evil scientist that finally became my demise. But after five years, I realized I could never do that to you. It’d be too cruel._

_Anyway, this is going to break your heart, but I don’t think you’re evil. I’ve seen true evil; people who rape and murder and destroy, just because they can. You don’t fall into that category. And I know, that one day, you will discover your true passion, and become everything you’ve always dreamed of.”_

Heinz wanted to punch the screen. He didn’t realize he was crying until he had to reach out and blow his nose. 

_“I don’t want you to be sad. You see, I’ve had this thing called bi-polar disorder for a long time. Nothing ever seemed to work to help it, not drugs, not therapy, not anything. I’m tired of fighting it. Now, I’m finally free.”_

Perry had a small smile at on his face now, and Heinz slammed his fist against the desk. “You’re an idiot!” He screamed. “An idiot! I would’ve accepted you! How dare you!”

_“You’re probably more angry at me than sad, ha.”_ The video of Perry chuckled. _“I know. I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you. Ever. I love you so much. And it finally feels amazing to say that. Before I leave, I wrote this song just for you, since you seem to like my singing so much.”_

Video Perry pulled out an acoustic guitar, and carefully strummed each string, checking the tuning. Once he was ready, video Perry took a deep breath and began to sing. 

It was soft, magical, and absolutely stunning. Heinz was captivated by each melodic breath Perry took as he played out a poem that pulled at each one of the scientist’s heart strings. Even after the song finished, Heinz was hearing it’s haunting rhythm deep inside his soul. It stuck with him, even after he’d turned off the computer, after he’d completely sobbed his heart out, and after he’d collapsed on the couch, utterly exhausted from his emotions, and dreaming of a teal-haired man who kissed him deep into the morning. 

~o~o~o~o~o~o~

Heinz awoke with a start. It was now five in the morning. 

He’d gotten maybe half an hour of sleep, the rest of the night wasted by feverous tossing and turning. Heinz felt like he’d gotten run over by a train. His soul was still sobbing, but he had no more physical tears left to cry. 

He forced himself to make a cup of coffee and turn on the TV.

Today was Perry’s funeral. And despite his desperate desire for closure, Heinz was seriously considering not going. He didn’t know if he could do it. He didn’t know if he could go into a room with all the people that loved Perry and tell them he was his nemesis. Perry had been such a flair of color in Heinz’s dull life; there was no way he could face the reality that that color was now washed away into grey. 

Heinz received a text from Major Monogram at about six in the morning. 

_Are you coming to the funeral?_

He pondered for a minute. And another minute. And another. Finally, he heaved a dramatic sigh and texted back. _No._

_Are you sure? It may be beneficial. We will tell everyone you were a friend._

_Not interested._

_Heinz._

_Leave me alone._

Francis was a real pain in the ass, sometimes. It drove Heinz absolutely insane. He slammed his phone against the table and downed the rest of his lukewarm coffee in one gulp. 

And then, he had an idea. 

Maybe it didn’t have to be this way. Maybe he could stop it. 

Didn’t that museum in Danville have an unfinished time machine? Maybe he could fix it. 

Maybe this was a terrible idea. But he had to try. All he knew, was that he couldn’t continue to live life like this. Perry deserved _so_ much more. Heinz _had_ to make sure the agent knew how Heinz felt about him in return. 

Suddenly filled with a burst of energy, the scientist dashed into the shower, got dressed, and headed out the door. 

~o~o~o~o~o~o~

The Danville Museum of Natural History wasn't normally open this early on Saturdays, but Heinz wasn't going to let that fact stop him. If anything, it was ideal; less people to worry about interrupting his concentration. For this project, despite all his experience as a high-risk inventor, he was going to need all the focus he could get.

He used a nifty unlocking mechanism Perry had accidentally left at his apartment one day and snuck into the museum through a back door. It entered into a massive storage unit, but luckily, there was nobody there but a sleeping security guard who probably was about to end his night shift. 

The time machine wasn't hard to find. Heinz easily recognized the chair shaped machine he'd seen all over Danville’s local news when it'd first arrived at the museum. 

The doctor examined each piece, scanning the machine for any irregularities. The technology was definitely outdated, but thankfully, Heinz easily recognized a major flaw in its wiring, one that, if fixed, might make the time machine actually function. Setting down his tools, he got to work.

There were a few close calls. Heinz had to have his Send-To-Another-Dimension-Inator ready to fire a couple times when random employees would come crossing his direction, going about their daily opening duties. And it definitively wasn't easy trying to fix a machine that was designed in the 19th century. But Doofenshmirtz found that the harder he worked, the easier it was to simply put his emotions aside and focus on the task at hand.

By the time the museum opened, Heinz was certain he'd done it.

Carefully, he stepped into the machine, typed in the exact date he was looking for, and pulled the giant lever.

His whole body tingled, and the museum disappeared. For a split second, ranging pain flashed through his entire body, and he struggled to breath, but suddenly, it all stopped. Heinz looked up, gasping, to see the opening entrance of the nightclub. _The_ nightclub, where he’d first run into Perry outside of their work.

Wildly, he reached for his phone. His cell had reset, and was now showing that he was, indeed, a few weeks in the past. He'd done it! He'd traveled through time!

Heinz pushed the heavy time machine as far out of sight as possible and waited for Perry to arrive. His heart skipped a beat when he saw the teal-haired man entering the side of the building with the rest of his band, who were all carrying guitars and equipment on a few dollies. Heinz checked the time. He had a couple hours before his past self showed up. It was now or never.

Heinz sneaked around the corner and tried to get in the side door, but unfortunately, found out it locked from the outside. He'd need a key.

Checking under the entrance mat and in the bushes proved useless. Groaning, Heinz cursed himself for leaving Perry's locking mechanism in the future. He pulled out a bobby pin and did his best to manually pick the lock.

It took forever, but finally, the door clicked open. Heinz tried not to shout out loud as he slipped inside. 

He recognized the layout of the back of the stage. Despite being drunk as all get out that night, Heinz had a decent memory. But the biggest give away was the sound of tuning guitars coming from the nightclub stage. 

Heinz tiptoed up to the curtain, and peered onto the open floor. He found himself gleefully entranced watching a very alive and energetic Perry beginning their opening song. Hearing his nemesis's voice sent chills all up and down his spine.

He watched them play the whole set, never looking away even when they’d break to fix an audio problem or go over some band notes, unable to identify all the swirling range of emotions that were hitting him all at once. He didn't even notice when the band finished, and Perry stepped off stage to take a quick break. The two ran right into each other.

"Heinz?" Perry cried upon seeing him there. "How'd you get in here? The nightclub doesn't open for another hour."

Seeing Perry, alive and well, and so close, was having such a strong affect on Heinz, that the scientist thought about hugging him. However, he forced himself to swallow that impulse and looked Perry straight in the eyes. 

"I-"

Suddenly, another character entered the scene. Heinz recognized him as River, Perry's band's agent. River's eyes narrowed. "Who is this?"

"Chill, bro." Perry quickly interjected. "He's with me.”

River raised an eyebrow, clearly still hesitant, but chose not to comment further. “I just wanted to ask if we were still on for tomorrow.”

Perry smiled and nodded. Satisfied, River stepped back behind the curtain. 

“I’m sorry I can’t thwart whatever you’re trying to pull right now.” Perry continued off-handedly. “Although it’s sweet of you to bring the party to me.”

_Ah, good old, sarcastic Agent P._ Doofenshmirtz thought. _I’ve missed you._

“This isn’t scheme!” The doctor replied quickly. “I have to talk to you.”

“About?”  
  
The scientist gulped. He’d rehearsed this conversation more times than he could count, but suddenly, all the words were getting lost on the way down to his mouth. For a moment he stood there gaping like an idiot, before he could finally swallow his bucket of emotions.   
  
“I’m um- I’m not from here. I mean, I am from _here,_ but I’m not from this version of here. I mean- I traveled through time!”

“Traveled through time? Is it sad that with your record, I’m actually inclined to believe you?” Perry chuckled, grinning smugly.

“ _Hey_ , what do you mean by my record?”

Perry shook his head. “So what is it, oh great Doctor Time Lord, that you’ve traveled here to tell me?”

“I know what you’re planning to do.” Heinz nearly shouted. “And I’m.. I’m here to stop you.”

“So you’re here to thwart _me?_ Right. Well. Isn’t that an odd turn of events.”

“Shut up! This is serious, Perry!” Heinz snapped, feeling his face going red. “I know you’re planning to.. to commit suicide! And you can’t!”

“Hey, Perry! Where are you man, we’re starting!”

Perry turned to nod at his band member, before turning back to Heinz, lips pursed and eyes narrowed. “Don’t leave. We’ll talk after.”

“No.” Heinz grabbed the agent’s sleeve. “After you play, you have to go out there and find the past me. And invite him to dance. If you don’t it’ll mess up the timeline.”

Perry took a step closer. Despite being slightly shorter than Heinz, his piercing gaze was enough to leave the scientist shivering. “Fine. Whatever. But if you’re lying to me-“

“Then I’ll return all the money I made you pay for breaking down my walls.”

Perry snorted, and was apparently convinced, because he nodded and turned to grab his guitar. “Meet me at Danville park. Five hours.”

“Okay.”

And with that, Heinz slipped out of the nightclub, his mind still racing. 

~o~o~o~o~o~o~

Heinz knew it would be much later than five hours. Because he knew that if he hadn’t already completely fucked up the timeline, Perry would have to drive the past Heinz all the way home, after having a rather passionate one-night stand. So he waited contentedly, trying to come up with the words that would hopefully convince Perry to stay alive. 

Not that it was going very well. Heinz didn’t know what to do with other people’s emotions. The scientist could barely figure out how to handle his own, and usually, his coping mechanisms weren’t very healthy. How was he going to convince Perry, a man he’d previously seen as his one and only nemesis, a man whom Heinz had battled, argued with, taunted, and hurt for years, not to make such a drastic and fatal decision. People didn’t just end their own lives for no reason. Perry had a reason, which was probably much more complicated than he'd explained in his suicide message. 

It had now been seven hours, putting the time way early in the morning, before Heinz saw Perry’s car pull into the park. His heart skipped a beat; so the agent had come, after all. Perry obviously looked exhausted, and had a couple buttons on his jacket that didn’t match up correctly. 

He saw Heinz and walked over, sitting on the bench next to the scientist. He had two cups of coffee in his hands, and handed one to the doctor, who took it gratefully. Heinz took a sip and smiled; it was caffeinated and had a hint of almond in it. His favorite. He downed a gulp, feeling the warm liquid begin to unfreeze his insides. Despite it being summer, the morning was still a tad chilly.

“I just wanted to make sure it was the real you.” Perry spoke softly, interrupting the silence. 

Heinz coughed. “I guess this is all a bit.. sudden.”

“You know, I wasn’t actually planning to commit suicide. It’s kind’ve just been an off-hand thing.” Perry sighed. “A random thought that’s tingled at the back of my head. And I haven’t told anyone. So I’m assuming it becomes more than just a thought, later on, in whatever time you’re from.”

Heinz gulped, clutching the coffee tighter in his fist. “I hate you, Agent P. I hate you for making me love you and then leaving me.”

Perry’s eyes widened, although Heinz didn’t see his expression, as the man was glaring at the ground, feeling too embarrassed to look up. This was borderline sentimental, something the scientist was _not_ good at. 

“You love me?” Perry whispered.

The words were spoken so softly, Heinz almost didn’t hear them. He let the words sink into his mind. He was starting to see those haunting images of Perry again, and it was making him feel sick. 

Avoiding the question, Heinz replied, “Like I said, I’m here to stop you.”

Perry thought for a moment, rubbing his fingers against each other. He was staring up at the cloudy sky. “I wish you could, Doc. But I’m afraid you’re going to lose this battle, too. This is more than you think.”  
  
“You said you have bi-polar disorder.”

“I do.”

Heinz finally looked up, and wasn’t ready for the sharp gaze of Perry’s brown eyes. He didn’t dare look away. “So you’re just going to give up?”

“You don’t understand.”

“No, I don’t.” Heinz suddenly snapped. “I don’t understand how you could just.. give up! How could you do that?”

“Is this about the one-night stand, Heinz? Because I’m sorry. That was-“

“A mistake?” Heinz snarled. “I know. But dang it, you _bastard,_ I want it to be more than that! Why won’t you at least give me the chance? I’m not like everyone else in your life!”

“I won’t recover. If it doesn’t work out.” Perry replied meekly, bowing his head. “I can’t do it again. I just can’t. I like you a lot Heinz, but I barely have any energy to get out of bed most days. I’ll just disappoint you-“

“I won’t pressure you. I won’t rush things. I can be patient. I..” Heinz swallowed, “I just want _you,_ even if that means just being friends. _Please,_ just don’t leave me. You’re the only good thing in my life besides my little girl, and I know she won’t be around me forever.”

Heinz cringed, realizing he was probably making the whole situation about myself rather than Perry, when that wasn’t the goal. He was simply struggling to find the right words, to express what he was feeling, and to convey that in a way that made logical sense. Perry’s expression was still quiet and reserved, meaning Heinz wasn’t doing a great job of convincing him. 

“I’m not the only agent. You’re amazing, Heinz. You will find what you’re looking for. I promise.”

Heinz shook his head vigorously. “I already found it. You.”

“Why, Heinz? Why me? Why this sudden change of heart? It’s not like we’ve ever been anything other than enemies, well, until tonight that is. If anything, I thought I’d be doing you a favor!”

The scientist snapped. “Because!”

And then he took a deep breath, feeling his heart begin to pound with uncertainty. But it was now or never. He looked his nemesis right in the eyes and put every piece of sincerity he could into his voice. 

“Because I’m giving up evil.”


	5. Happy Endings

As soon as the words popped out of his mouth, Heinz was absolutely, positively sure that he meant them, despite the fact of having no serious thought about the decision beforehand. But maybe that was just Perry; his impossible, ridiculous, life-changing nemesis- the puzzle that Heinz Doofenshmirtz was okay with never completely figuring out. 

Obviously, Perry was shocked by this news. He stared at Heinz for a good two minutes, mouth parted slightly as if wanting to speak, but unable to. For the first time in his life, Heinz let the silence play out. He wanted Perry to know he was sincere; he wanted to agent to see it in his eyes, all the way down to his soul. 

“I’m giving up evil.” Heinz finally reiterated. “And I need.. I need someone here to help me, because I know _nothing_ about being a good guy.”

Perry raised an eyebrow. “You’ve done this before.”

“Yes, but I wasn’t committed. I wasn’t prepared. This time, I _know_ that this is what I need, for you, for me, for my daughter..”

Perry’s eyes lidded over for a second, and Heinz caught a glimpse of a deep, dark emotion swirling in the man’s eyes. He didn’t expect the sudden pair of arms that grabbed him and pulled him close, as a soft hand caressed his face, and a set of lips greedily met his. 

Heinz embraced it, internally screaming with joy. He kissed the man back, trying to get as close as he possibly could, as Perry tried to do the same. They ended up almost in each other’s laps, sitting there in the dark in the early hours of the morning, and Heinz wouldn’t have had it any other way. 

“Look, I can’t promise anything.” Perry sighed, pulled away slightly. “It’s been.. hard..”  
  
“I know.” Heinz sighed, laying his head against Perry’s shoulder, holding onto his as tightly as he could. “I’m not trying to like, save you, because I can’t do that, and I know what it’s like to want to just end it all because of the pain, but please, will you let me help you find somebody to get you through this? Like someone professional? I know you’ve said nothing has worked, but please, for me, just one more try?”

Perry nodded, grasping at Heinz just as tightly. “Okay. For you.”

Heinz breathed in Perry’s scent, recording it to his memory, and trying to enjoy onto it as long as possible. It wasn’t long before they’d made their way to Perry’s car, and their lips were connected again. Heinz groaned as Perry kissed against his jawbone and down his neck and onto the soft spots against his collarbone. He knew he was completely hard, and wouldn’t be able to stop if they kept this up. 

“I really want to stay..” Heinz panted, “but I, I really, have to go.. the longer I’m here the more I endanger the timeline..”

Perry landed one last kiss on his lips, and pulled away slightly. Heinz adored the pouty look on the man’s face. “I know. I’m sorry. But, I’ll see you soon, right?”

“Right. I promise.”

Perry drove him back to the nightclub, and Heinz pulled out the hidden time machine, checking it to make sure it looked untampered with. It’d be a nightmare if he ended up somewhere he didn’t want. 

“Isn’t that the machine from the museum?” Perry asked off-handedly.

“Yeah. I got it to work! Cool, huh?”

“Yeah.” Perry grinned, pulling him in for one last kiss. “You’re amazing, Heinz.”

The man quickly hid his face to conceal the raging blush spreading across his cheeks, and jumped onto the machine, pulling the protective bar down. Perry waved as Heinz set in his desired destination.

“Bye! Perry!” Heinz cried as he activated the machine. He just saw the teal-haired man’s gigantic grin before he was swept away into a sea of blackness.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~

“Doc? Doc? _Heinz!_ ”

“Who, what, where!.. How?” Heinz cried, snapping out of his trance and blinking at the blinding Danville sunlight. He looked up to see Perry, leaning over him, trying to snap him awake. He was lying on the ground in his apartment, dressed in his usual lab coat and grey pants. But none of that really mattered. All that mattered was the man standing before him, smiling and very much alive. 

“Perry! What, what is today?”

“Uh, the twenty-second?” Perry raised an eyebrow. “Wait, did you just come back from time traveling?”

“I guess..” Heinz sighed. “The twenty-second.. that’s Saturday.. wait this would’ve been your funeral.. But.. you’re alive!”

Perry was now sitting on the ground at Heinz’s eye level. “Yeah. I’ll try, Heinz. For you.”

In all honesty, Heinz knew they were far from the fairy tale ending he was aiming for. Perry needed help, more help than Heinz was able to give, before they could take serious steps in their relationship. And if Heinz was being _really_ honest, he knew he wasn’t where he needed to be either; there was still a lot of built up anger and pain in that was essential he do something about. 

But for now, Perry was alive, and Heinz was grateful. He grabbed the agent’s neck in a hug, pulling him as close as he could. And the agent held him, rubbing his shoulder and his back.

Suddenly, the agent stood, helped Heinz to his feet, and retrieved a backpack, carefully removing a file from inside and handing it to the scientist. Heinz opened it and sighed; inside were the required documents to officially remove himself from O.W.C.A.’s threat list and apply for a job at the agency.

“Are you still serious?” Perry asked hesitantly.

The doctor caressed the side of the documents, still unable to fathom what he was about to do. But he knew that he’d lost motivation in being evil a long time ago. It was time to put his family first again. 

“Yeah.” And with a smile, Heinz grabbed a pen and signed each of the papers. 

That night, the two men grabbed pillows and blankets and a bucket of popcorn, and spent the evening indoors, cuddled against the couch, watching two or three movies and not caring about the time. 

As they laid next to each other, softly kissing each other without a care in the world, simply enjoying the physical sensations and the domesticity of it all, Heinz couldn’t help but wonder why it’d taken him so long to see this aspect of their relationship. 

Maybe he was worthy of love. Maybe this would finally be the new reality that would set both of them on a better path. 

They fell asleep against each other. And Heinz could never remember feeling happier.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~

** One Year Later **

Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz was no longer the master evil scientist that he had haughtily claimed himself to be in the past. He was still talented and dangerous, but against the forces of evil, and using his abilities to bring new criminals under O.W.C.A.’s system of justice. 

At least that’s what he wrote about on his blog; without a daily monologuing routine, he needed to let out his dramatic flair in another way. 

Heinz’s life had also changed in ways he had never imagined earlier. Perry was now living with him, of all things. They’d moved away from his cheap building and into a small townhouse closer to O.W.C.A. headquarters, and in a not so obvious place, in case of potential enemies who were out for revenge. 

Their relationship was still developing, and nothing was perfect, of course. Perry still had his days, and Heinz still had his outbursts, and sometimes it was hard to deal with. But somehow, they tried not to let the frustrations get to them, and be there for each other. Perry was doing amazing in his group therapy sessions, and Heinz was glad to have an online psychologist he could reach with just the press of an app. 

Monday afternoon, and Heinz was returning home from a long weekend overseas. O.W.C.A. had sent him on a particularly difficult mission, taking him out of Danville for a few days. He was looking forward to having a nice, few day vacation after his hard work. Although he loved the missions, sometimes, they were draining. 

He didn’t expect to find Perry already home and cooking dinner. 

“Hey.” Heinz smiled, dropping his bag down and coming over, pulling his boyfriend in for a kiss. “What smells so good?”

Perry grinned. “It’s this Cajun chicken dish. I wanted to try it.”

“It smells delicious. Thank you, baby.”

Perry nodded, blushing, and returned to the stove. Heinz glanced at his boyfriend one last time before leaving upstairs to change. 

Dinner was an interesting affair, with Perry raptly listening to Heinz’s complete spiel of what happened that weekend and how he and his team finally managed to catch the bastard. Perry told him about the boringness of the office and how much he wanted to see the new Marvel movie coming out next month. 

After dinner, the two men cleaned up and started the dishwasher. 

“I’m going to keep reading my book. Come upstairs when you’re ready?” Perry smiled, bringing Heinz in for another kiss.

The scientist nodded. “I’ll be up in a minute.”

Heinz put away his bag and shredded any remaining important documents that he didn’t need. He checked his e-mail, had a glass of milk, and eventually made his way upstairs to the bedroom, thinking he would take a shower and lay down. 

He did not expect what he saw when he opened the bedroom door.

Perry was reading all right, laying on his back with his book held above his head to see. But he was laying with his legs outstretched, and was wearing a garter and black, lacy stockings to match, making the bulge in his lacy panties completely obvious. Perry glanced up at Heinz with a mischievous grin, enjoying the completely stunned and appreciative look Heinz must’ve been showcasing. Perry had on a little mascara and had painted his lips black, which drove Heinz absolutely wild. But nothing was compared to the black high heels he had on over his stockings, and the black, leather collar around his neck. 

Heinz shook his head at smug grin on Perry’s face; he knew the teal-haired agent enjoyed completely surprising him like this.

“Hey, babe.” Perry replied softly, turning back to his book. “You good?”

“You’re ridiculous.” Heinz shook he head, immediately jumping on the bed and forcing the book out of his boyfriend’s hand. “Is there something you want?”

Heinz was leaning over Perry, but not touching him, an eyebrow raised. The agent shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly, still grinning. “I don’t know Doc, is there?”

Heinz growled playfully and climbed over Perry, pinning him to the bed, as he slowly ground his crotch against the lacy panties. He grabbed the agent’s wrists and held them above his head, just tight enough where he couldn’t get away easily, but not too much to hurt.

“But I think _you_ want something.” Perry chuckled. 

Heinz immediately began caressing his boyfriend, rubbing and squeezing the spots he knew would drive him wild. Perry began to groan, bucking his hips up to meet Heinz’s, trying to get friction. But Heinz pulled away slightly, grinning. 

“What do you want?”

Perry’s smug expression disappeared, and was replaced with that of utter need. “I want you, baby. Please.”

“That’s better.” Heinz lead back and pulled off his lab coat and shirt and returned to touching his boyfriend, leaning down to start kissing his lips, not caring if he got black lipstick on his face, before moving down to his neck and chest, still not relenting on letting go of his wrists. Perry squirmed and groaned, growing harder. Heinz enjoyed listening to all the little noises he made, getting turned on by the desperate look on Perry’s face.

Heinz then leaned off and told Perry to sit up. The teal-haired did so without complaint. Heinz unzipped his own pants and pulled out his aching cock.

“Suck.” He ordered.

Perry did so greedily, taking his boyfriend in his mouth and, starting with the tip, slowly working his tongue across his boyfriend’s cock. Heinz moaned at the sensation. Perry was just too good at this. 

Heinz grabbed at the collar around Perry’s neck, pulling slightly, not enough to choke, but just enough to remind Perry who was in control. The agent moaned around Heinz’s member with each tug, sending delicious vibrations around Heinz’s cock. It was too much, looking down at the beautiful man sucking and licking his dick as if there was nothing else he’d rather have. 

Heinz quickly pulled Perry off before he fell over the edge, and pushed his boyfriend back on the bed. He pulled a tie out of the drawer beside them and wrapped his around each of Perry’s wrists, tying them to the headboard. Finally relinquishing his teasing, Heinz leaned down and gently pulled Perry’s straining cock out of his panties and began stimulating him, grinning as the man underneath him groaned in absolute pleasure. 

“Beg for me, baby. Let me know you want it.”

As requested, Perry moaned louder as Heinz sped up the pace. He bucked his hips up for more. Heinz immediately pinned his hips down and forced Perry to take it as Heinz’s pace. The man’s eyes rolled in the back of his head.

Once Heinz knew Perry was close, he reached over, grabbed a bottle of lube and poured some on his hand. He leaned back down and pulled both his cock and Perry’s in his hands and started stimulating them both. Perry moaned, deep and desperately, edging Heinz on, who could feel himself almost there. 

“Say my name, Perry. I want to hear you say it when you cum!”

“Mm, yes, sir..” Perry mumbled, “ahh..”

Heinz knew he was ready. And by Perry’s dramatic, uncontrollable trembling, he knew his boyfriend was close. 

“Come on, baby, say my name..”

Perry moaned. “Ahh.. ahh.. Heinz, please, please, may I cum?”

“Yes, baby, yes..”

“Ugh.. Heinz.. Heinz..” 

Perry’s begging was enough to send Heinz over the edge. Both men came, shooting ribbons of white, and Heinz pointed them towards his boyfriend, enjoying how it spilled all over his chest and into his lacy panties. 

For a minute, they collapsed in a sweaty mess, enjoying the haze of pleasure. 

“Hm.” Heinz smiled after a moment of them breathing. He stared over Perry’s cum-soaked chest, with his arms still tied tightly to the headboard. “Maybe I should just leave you like this?” The scientist grinned. 

Perry lifted his head and smirked. “You know I’ll get out of here eventually.”

“Well, next time you’ll know what’ll happen when you dress like _that._ ”

And Heinz chuckled, giving in and untying his boyfriend’s wrists, before going and getting him atowel. Once they showered, both men collapsed in the bed and cuddled close to one another, giving each other soft kisses as they fell asleep.

Hey, Perry was a puzzle. But Heinz was perfectly okay with not having completely figured him out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp, that was the end! Hope you all enjoyed!

**Author's Note:**

> So, I know this isn't like a lot of human!Perry stories, but I hope you enjoy it anyway. Much more Perry/Heinz goodness to come.


End file.
